Wednesday, December 31, 2008


I broke it off with him.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Town & Country

Just writing to check in and wish everyone happy holidays!

I am still pretty much immobilized, here at my parents house. The surgery last week went perfectly and I'm healing pretty quickly-- the drains were removed after four days and I'm able to get in and out of bed and shower by myself now. Even so, I feel like I'm in a fog and have been pretty depressed. It's only this morning that it started to lift enough for me to even feel like blogging...

As for the results? I am so swollen and bruised and stitched up that it's hard to tell where things are going to settle, but my stomach is, in fact, flat-- a fact that I can't quite seem to process. So... I will say no more about that.

My birthday weekend was a whirlwind. On Thursday-- the night before my birthday-- Narc took me out to the Russian Tea Room for dinner. It was fun to get dressed up. He asked where I wanted to go to eat, and I told him my only requirement was opulence and an old-fashioned decor. It was the perfect spot. We were there at midnight, as my new decade rolled in, and he gave me a really sweet gift-- a gorgeous quill-tipped limited edition Elvis collector's pen. It was really a cute and thoughtful gift. Better than that, though, he wrote me a card and that's all I've ever really wanted from him.

On Saturday I spent the entire day cleaning my house like a madwoman, trying to get ready for the party. Narc hung out for most of the afternoon, sometimes helping me. The party that night turned out to be a great party-- a million people were in and out and at some points, the apartment was so crowded it was difficult to move through. I bought a new outfit for the occasion and felt really awesome in it. But it was strange, too. Narc stayed for the party and invited his friends Scott and Mike. And my mom and BigSis were there and Cherubino and all of my AA friends. Narc and his friends left in the middle of the evening (to go get drunk, of course) and he and I got into a little fight about it.

At the end of the night (around 2:00 AM) the only people remaining were NDN, a random neighbor from our building I had never met, and my high school friend Farb (who I have only seen once since high school!) with her fiancee. Narc came back, wasted and he and I ended up having a fight and then make-up sex, but it soured the evening for me. Clearly, my attempts to pretend that we have anything resembling something sweet or "normal" will be forever thwarted.

He stayed over again that night, obviously, and stayed passed out for most of the next afternoon. I had to get up on four hours of sleep and head to a baptism in NJ. BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up. When I got back to the city at around 4:00 PM, Narc was still at my place and just waking up. We hung out and cleaned up a little and then he stayed all of Monday too, while I furiously packed for my two weeks on Long Island, and tried to finish cleaning up, making last minute arrangements to have my cat fed and Christmas tree watered in my absence.

Finally, at around 7:00, we went out for sushi before he put me into a cab. I was feeling so much anxiety. I didn't want to leave him. And I'm not sure if it's because I love him, or because I suspect he's going to go out and get drunk with his friends and meet and date some new girl while I'm gone.

We've only spoken twice since I've been away, but both times he has been very supportive and loving, especially given my depression. I miss him so much. I really do love him.

There's not much to write about concerning my stay here, since all I've really been able to do is lay in bed, listen to Palestrina and watch hour after hour of "Law & Order." Thank God for those marathons onTNT. BigSis has come over with Sesame a few times, but it's almost like torture because I can't lift her or hold her. On Friday, my aunt and uncle came with my cousins Jail and Jol and we all ate takeout Chinese and they gave me a belated birthday present. On Sunday, my parents helped me to venture out of the house and we went to see "Slumdog Millionaire."

After the snowstorm last week, the streets here have turned to sheets of ice. It's strange watching JBC and LilSis get up early to scrape off their cars. I'm so used to city living, where the streets are just cleared for you and the snow is never allowed to ice because it is trampled over so much that it turns to brown slush before day's end. Here, it is still sparkling white outside.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a headache and even writing just this much has exhausted me. I'm hoping to be able to come back to the city by Friday. It's so strange to be away from its rhythm. But I know I need to heal.

Trying to be patient.

lots of love,

Monday, December 8, 2008


I went with B to a "Lessons & Carols" service on Sunday afternoon for advent. Advent is for waiting. Waiting... for what? For everything. And "waiting" suddenly seems like a wholly appropriate holy idea. (Patiently.)

Anyway, I'm waiting, myself for a lot of things-- including my surgery next week! It's in less than a week. I'm nervous about it-- both about the pain, the anesthesia and about being removed from my life for at least two weeks. I don't like the idea of being away from AA and being away from Narc. I know it's terribly insecure, but I feel like something bad is going to happen if I go away. I am afraid of losing control.

Things have been beautiful between us lately, minus our fight last Thursday which neither addressed anything new, nor did it resolve anything old. On Friday night he came out to a party with me and met StarGazer and Drew for the first time. On Saturday night, I went to a Christmas party in Astoria and then came back to the East Village for Tamika's birthday party before meeting Narc and his friend Scott again at "Shades of Green" on 15th street. He and Scott wanted to stay out late, so I ended up heading home on my own that night at around 2:00 AM before I got sucked into Cheers for a quick hello to TT, ThursdayGirl, PumpedUp and BarMan. I haven't seen any of them in a while. PumpedUp said I looked "sexy" and ThursdayGirl was freaking out about my physical changes. It was fun to be out in a plunging neckline with my new breasts. Brick has dubbed them "Cecily and Liza." Don't ask me why...

Anyway, on Sunday I went to Long Island for a birthday brunch for my mom. She made omlettes and I was happy to get to play with Sesame. My grandpa was full of stories about WWII to mark the "day of infamy." LilSis and JBC drove me back into the city before I met B for the church service.

On Monday night, Narc and I went to hear a lecture on La Dolce Vita at the New York Film Academy. On our way there, I had us stop at the holiday shops in Union Square because I fell in love with an artisan's jewelry there and bought myself a necklace as a birthday present last week. I lost her card and wanted to go back.

"Maybe we can find a birthday present for you," Narc said.

When we found the stand, he picked out a ring, as if he wanted to buy it for me, but then became strangely passive when I said that I wanted it.

"If you're not sure, you can always come back for it," he said.

"No-- I think I'm sure."

He didn't make a move, so I did-- I ended up buying it for myself. Very strange. I wasn't about to ask him to take out his money and get me something, but at the same time, I thought that's what he had implied to begin with.

"If you want to gift it to me, you can..." I said as we were walking away.

"It wouldn't be a surprise then," he said. "I thought you wanted something sentimental."

"Sentimental doesn't have to mean a surprise. It could mean that we did it together."

I didn't want to push it though. I wasn't expecting anything from him to begin with, but it just all unfolded in such a strange way. I do love the ring, and since I bought it for myself, I've simply decided to enjoy it.

Anyway, I've been exhausted overall. I've been running around like a madwoman (as usual), not getting enought sleep. And I have to get everything done this week that I'd usually have another few weeks to take care of-- all of my Christmas shopping, writing final exams, planning my birthday party (and cleaning my house). Much, much, much to be done!

And there is a lot to reflect upon.

Yesterday I babysat for Sesame all afternoon. We fell asleep together-- me slumped back on the couch, and her- stretched out across my chest. Then, after AA, I met Narc and his friend Mike and some screenwriter friends of theirs out at Japas 38 for a night of karaoke. He told me to dress up, so I wore another plunging neckline. This is turning into fun. I had a good time, and I know that he was happy to have me there and even wanted to "show off" my singing, but at the same time, he kept taking smoking breaks with Mike and left me sitting there alone amongst a roomfull of strangers. At one point, I asked him to come sit next to me and he said "no," as Mike wanted to go out for another cigarette. It pissed me off, so I put on my coat and decided to leave. It was nearly 1:00 AM and I had to get up early this morning to teach. When he came back from his cigarette, he saw me with my coat on and looked confused.

"I'm taking off," I said, matter of factly.

"Oh, ok..."

He put his coat on too and we left together.

Things are sort of like that now. It's all for the better.

Later that night at his apartment, I ate half of my leftover cheese-steak sandwich while curled up in his pajama bottoms before going to bed.

I'm scared to leave for the surgery anyway. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I don't like not knowing. Maybe I'm just scared of being really slim. I don't know how to be that...

I want to learn how to make jewelry in the new year. The woman in Union Square has inspired me.

Ten years ago today was the night I was arrested-- two days before my 20th birthday. God, how I'm ready to be out of my 20's! I think that 30 is going to be the best decade yet.

Definitely worth the wait...


In finem Psalmus ipsi David

Expectans expectavi Dominum et intendit mihi

Et exaudivit preces meas et eduxit me de lacu miseriae et de luto fecis et statuit super petram pedes meos et direxit gressus meos

Et inmisit in os meum canticum novum carmen Deo nostro videbunt multi et timebunt et sperabunt in Domino

Beatus vir cuius est nomen Domini spes ipsius et non respexit in vanitates et insanias falsas

Multa fecisti tu Domine Deus meus mirabilia tua et cogitationibus tuis non est qui similis sit tibi adnuntiavi et locutus sum multiplicati sunt super numerum

Sacrificium et oblationem noluisti aures autem perfecisti mihi holocaustum et pro peccato non postulasti

Ut facerem voluntatem tuam Deus meus volui et legem tuam in medio cordis mei

Adnuntiavi iustitiam in ecclesia magna ecce labia mea non prohibebo Domine tu scisti

Iustitiam tuam non abscondi in corde meo veritatem tuam et salutare tuum dixi non abscondi misericordiam tuam et veritatem tuam a concilio multo

Tu autem Domine ne longe facias miserationes tuas a me misericordia tua et veritas tua semper susceperunt me

Quoniam circumdederunt me mala quorum non est numerus conprehenderunt me iniquitates meae et non potui ut viderem multiplicatae sunt super capillos capitis mei et cor meum dereliquit me

Conplaceat tibi Domine ut eruas me Domine ad adiuvandum me respice

Confundantur et revereantur simul qui quaerunt animam meam ut auferant eam convertantur retrorsum et revereantur qui volunt mihi mala

Ferant confestim confusionem suam qui dicunt mihi euge euge

Exultent et laetentur super te omnes quaerentes te et dicant semper magnificetur Dominus qui diligunt salutare tuum

Ego autem mendicus sum et pauper Dominus sollicitus est mei adiutor meus et protector meus tu es Deus meus ne tardaveris

Thursday, December 4, 2008


...I'm still in hard times.

Tonight is my annual La Boh
ème and sugar cookie night. I'm making pumpkin bread too. But N and I had a difficult talk this morning. I cried. In a weak attempt to compensate, I numbly I shopped for makeup and new bras and spent money I don't have. Now I'm feeling guilty. I skipped AA. I feel very tired and a little anesthetized. This thing with the two of us will never be right, when it has always been "wrong" at its core.

On the upside, NDN and Tamika are coming up here later to share my cookies and have a holiday pizza party. My tree is already up and splendid. Yesterday I danced around my apartment to cheesy Mariah Carey Christmas music. Oh-- and I bought an outfit to wear to my birthday party. It makes me feel sexy. That's kind of new. And it's kind of nice. (I don't even need to wear a bra under the lace top, since my new breasts stand at salute!)

Even so... (sigh).

heart-break is heartbreak.


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Good News!

I have been accepted to deliver a paper at the major Victorian Studies conference next year.

It's going to be at Cambridge, UK in July!!!
It was such a long shot that I wasn't even going to bother to apply.
This is a big deal.
I'm half excitement and half nerves.



Monday, November 24, 2008

On "The Other Side"

What a month... I don't even know where to begin to recap it all. The highlight of my life right now is watching my little niece grow. She's just over six weeks old and still tiny (probably just up to 8 lbs or so), but she is starting to get sweet little rolls on her neck and thighs. I absolutely love her. Starting the first week of December, I will have her all to myself for a few hours once a week, as BigSis is going to try to start seeing some private practice clients. I only need to practice feeding her from a bottle a few times before she is handed over to me.

Halloween was fun, but curious. I dressed up as Medusa, and my makeup and snake wig really rocked. NDN, Tamika, Meema, Cherubino and I went to a party out in Brooklyn. Meema is going through a divorce and Cherubino was reeling from a breakup. Narc called me that night and said that he wanted to stop drinking and even wanted to go to AA with me. It was strange and intense. He later backed away from it, though, and is trying "controlled drinking" by only drinking beer. A little bit of an emotional roller coaster for me, but I have detached myself from his health problems.

I saw a few operas this month-- my favorite of them, Madama Butterfly. And Bezoukhoff and I went to an awesome exhibit at the Neue Galerie, featuring the work of Alfred Kubin. His does creepy German symbolist drawings influenced by Goya and Blake. The exhibit was appropriately ghoulish with a chiming, thudding grandfather clock, Kubin's death mask laid out on a sheath of white velvet, and his cloak, hat and cane suspended in a glass cube. Over the course of the next week, I read his novel, The Other Side, on every subway ride I took. It is one of the most bizarre (and positively freakish) works of literature I have ever come across.

The election was clearly a high point of the month. I had to wait on line for over two hours to vote, but it was obviously worth it. My mom and I stayed on the phone for hours, watching the election returns come in. The fact that I don't have to think about the possibility of Sarah Palin is an enormous relief.

My friend NiS came in from Paris for a few days early in November. I met him and his friends at the Russian Vodka Room to celebrate his girlfriend's 30th birthday. Narc was over at my place that night, but he opted not to come with me. As such, I only stayed for a few hours before heading home.

Just over a week ago, I headed to Yale for the annual NAVSA conference (The North American Victorian Studies Association). It was exciting to see scholars whose names I had only come across in books. Usually, they are nothing like how I pictured them to be. On Friday night of that week, at the end of an insanely long day (I woke up at 5:00 AM to catch the 6:23 to New Haven!) I had dinner with my mom and my sisters and my cousin who was in town from Jerusalem. I haven't seen her in over ten years. It turns out that an evil aunt of mine spread some nasty rumors to turn my cousins against our strand of the family, but I hope that we were able to clean it all up and put it all to rest. It was good to see her, but it also felt awkward. I have changed so much since the last time we were in Israel, and even then, our relationship was founded on playing together as children. She barely recognized me, given all of the weight that I lost, and that only made me feel a little more awkward.

But the biggest event of all for me came this past week. I have had such a crazy, busy week. Last Monday I got observed while teaching my British History class. I was really nervous about it, as I've never taught that material before and feel like half the time I'm covering for the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. It turns out that my worries were unfounded, though, as I got a really awesome review and apparently, it appears that I do know what I'm doing. Then, on Tuesday I got new breasts. Yes-- that's right. I had my breasts done. It's kind of the last thing I'd ever imagine myself to do, and I've had really mixed feelings about the whole thing, but since I lost all of that weight, my chest sort of deflated. Surgery is never fun, and I was sore and twisted up for a few days afterwards, but I have to say-- I am in love with them now. So far, I love having big breasts. I feel kind of stupid about it, but whatever-- they are so perfect and round and sculpted and they came out just the right size. Bottom line-- they feel natural and they look gorgeous, so I've decided to forget the fact that I've always thought of myself as "someone who would never get breast implants." Instead, I'm going to just enjoy them. They're still all bruised up and I still have the steri-strips over my incisions, but I couldn't be happier. Next month I am getting even more plastic surgery-- on my stomach and my thighs, and then I will be all set to be a new, beautiful me with awesome breasts and a flat tummy-- just in time for my 30th birthday.

Anyway, enough going on about that. I had to come back into the city on Thursday night, even though it was just two days post-Surgery, as my advisor had strongly recommended I meet a visiting scholar from UC Davis and he was heading back to California on Friday afternoon. It was a tough night. Narc slept over, although I had to stay elevated on a million pillows, popped a few percocets and woke up several times in the night, yelping in pain. He was sweet and held my hand. The next morning, the UC-Davis professor and I met for coffee up near Columbia, and even though I psyched myself out about the meeting, feeling inadequate for not having a developed and well articulated dissertation topic, the meeting was awesome. He was so helpful to me and pointed me in some really useful directions. And I didn't feel inadequate at all once the conversation started. Even my breasts behaved by not cramping up or sending shooting pains through my entire chest during our conversation. Afterwards, B and I met at The Heights, our old hangout, for Buffalo wings and patatas bravas. By the time I made it back to Long Island that night, I was wiped out. I really hadn't recovered yet and pushed myself pretty hard.

On Saturday I had opera tickets, and I tried to attend with my mom, as I really wanted to see Berlioz's Damnation de Faust. It hasn't been performed at the Met since 1906! Again-- it was too much for me, as I fell asleep a few times during the performance and felt a little feverish by the time my mom dropped me off back at home. I really wanted to make it out to karaoke with Dan who is in town from Japan this week, but it really would have been pushing myself too far. I'm hoping that we can figure out some sort of alternative plan. Narc stayed over with me again on Saturday night and on Sunday morning, he and NDN and I went out for dim sum in Chinatown. It's kind of a strange occurrence, but Narc and I are integrating our lives and our friends much better these days. I saw a few of his friends briefly on Saturday. (They were all fascinated by my new breasts too-- a little awkward, but funny...and flattering.)

After staying home and napping and resting for the rest of the afternoon yesterday, I went to Narc's to sleep and watch the 24 movie. Woohoo! Jack Bauer is back!!! Today is my first full day back at work, and I'm exhausted. I've still been waking up at night intermittently from muscle cramps and spasms (as the implants were placed under the muscle), and I think my body is just suffering general fatigue from the trauma of surgery. It makes me worried about the surgery next month-- that one is going to be much more intense and a much longer recovery. I hate being taken out of the swing of my life. It's so frustrating. But whatever. I won't complain. It is such a miracle to have been able to transform the way I have physically and spiritually, and I will never mind having to make a few sacrifices to maintain it all.

Anyway, I still have to write my lesson plan on Britain and WWI, so I really can't spend much more time blogging right now. I just didn't' want to let more than a month pass without an update. I hope everyone out there has a fabulous Thanksgiving.


Monday, October 27, 2008

In Bloom

I'm all in pink today and I love it! I remember when I was little and I read Anne of Green Gables, Anne wore a pink dress despite her red hair. Well, my hair is red (-ish) and I feel just like Anne this morning.

I had a nice weekend, overall, although life is happening (on life's terms!) and so even my nice weekend was infused with its fair share of anxiety.

On Friday I spent the entire day with Sesame. She slept in my arms for hours. She is an angel. And she gained a little weight-- she put on 8 oz this week, so she's up to 5 lbs, 15 oz.

Anyway, I need to schedule a medical procedure and am having some difficulty finding a date that will work with my teaching schedule. That was the first source of stress. My visit to the doctor on Saturday was a success, though. NDN drove me there-- all the way out to Long Island-- as he had some sort of medical conference to attend. After the appointment, I went back to my parents' house, spent a precious hour with my precious niece (before BigSis and Bro-in-Law left for his parents), hung out with LilSis, laughing at the kitchen table, and then tried to help my mom figure out how to rearrange the furniture in my stepdad's office. NDN came to pick me up and stayed for a while before our dreary ride home. No-- it was not his company that was dreary, but rather, the weather and our choice of playlist. There was a gray sky and big fat raindrops on the LIE. We listened to a "suicide soundtrack" that we made two years ago-- all depressing songs depicting people about to off themselves.

On Saturday night, my friend Drew came over. We ordered in Chinese and just talked and talked. Those gray raindrops had converted into a full blown thunderstorm. My windows rattled and the sky lit up with some very dramatic lightning. After Drew went home, Narc came by.

On the Narc front, he had a tough week. Despite his commitment (made in June) not to drink, he went out three nights this past week, including Wednesday and Thursday in a row. He ended up with several injuries and didn't feel good about it. On Wednesday night, he called me drunk from Bar & Books. He had been with CouchSleeper, but Couchy had gone home and so Narc was there alone. I got worried, given his medical condition, and didn't sleep well for the rest of the night. I called him several times and texted him several times the next day, but heard nothing back. So, aside from my kick-ass voice lesson on Wednesday, I spent most of the day riddled with anxiety about something over which I have no control. I finally heard from him at around 6:00 PM-- just as I was heading into AA. He and his friends were out and he invited me to join.

To make a long story short- he ended up picking up a $890 tab for his friends and drinking himself into obliteration. It's an unremarkable story except for the fact that it effects me differently. I feel differently. I worry more. I see it as so much more destructive. The further I am from being a "drinker" myself, the more insane it looks to me, watching others ingest some sort of toxin that makes them unable to walk, talk, remember or make decisions. WHY??

Anyway, I went down to him on Friday and Narc stayed over at my place on Saturday night. On Sunday afternoon, he headed home while I got a few hours of work done. That evening, I headed out to a yoga class. I had been invited by Narc's friend, the Jeweler, to join her for an invitation-only, kundalini practice in the penthouse apartment at the Trump World Center. I have never, ever, EVER seen an apartment like that one. It was mind-blowing. The yoga was pretty good too. I had no experience with kundalini, so it was challenging and a little strange, but I liked the chanting. There were only five women there, and we got to watch the sun set over Manhattan through enormous, floor to ceiling, wrap-around windows, while doing yoga. Pretty cool.

Anyway, I have to go teach in a few minutes, so I better get going-- am giving midterms today.

But I just wanted to note-- I have made a few re-commitments to myself in order to keep myself sane:

-Spend more nights sleeping in my own bed
-Pray and meditate regularly
-Take my vitamins and medications daily
-Continue to work on my apartment project
-Do my 10th step regularly.

As such, I have a resentment I need to write out. Nothing big-- just upset at my cousin who's in town from Jerusalem, but failed to give me or my sisters a call. We haven't seen her in 10 years, and it's kind of a sensitive issue, as that Jerusalem-family is our only living connection to our father.

Oh well... At least I have a tool to help me deal with the feelings.

Hope you're all well out there!

Lots of love,

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Beautiful Necessity

I am planning an overhaul of my apartment. I am equipped with two things-- a copy of Apartment Therapy (an 8-step "home cure") and my Pre-Raphaelite imagination that wants to drown in William Morris patterns. Clearly, I am aware of the limitations of this dream, but it's a starting point, nonetheless.

So... that's what I'm thinking about today.

It has been a busy week. On Friday I spent the day with Sesame, the new love of my life. BigSis and I took her to the doctor for a shot and a weigh-in. She was up to 5 lbs, 7 oz, and the doctor was pleased. On Saturday night, Narc and I went to see a production of the new "Woyzeck" at BAM. Nick Cave did the music, it got a decent review, and it was staged with flying trapeze artists and tubes of water. I was looking forward to it, but unfortunately, it sucked. Big time. Narc was pretty woozy that night, as well, as he had been out drinking the night before. He has barely had anything to drink since his blood clot scare back in June, so his tolerance is way down. He ended up with a gash on his shoulder and a bruise on his side, the size of the palm of my hand. Afterwards, we got takeout and lounged at his place.

Yesterday I had coffee with Hammer at "the Siegel Diner." We had a good chat. I barely see her anymore. In fact, I barely see most of my friends anymore. I'm just too busy. I don't know when it happened-- when life snuck up on me like that-- or if it's just that I'm trying to keep active friendships going with way too many people. But sometimes, maintaining a social life is exhausting. Tonight I'm going to see some people from AA (looking forward to catching up with Meema and Pixie!) and tomorrow I'm supposed to have dinner with Jake. On Friday, it's off for another day with Sesame and on Saturday I'm going to Long Island (both for a doctor's appointment and to see my mom.) Oh-- and although I didn't report it when it happened, NDN and I welcomed Tamika into our neighborly "alliance." She was inducted on Thursday, October 16th at Zarela. (The crab tostadas were yummmm!)

Anyway-- it all leads me to one big, fat question: WHEN AM I GOING TO DO MY WRITING? It's stressing me out. Writing lesson plans for this British History class is sucking up so much of my time and energy that there's not much left for my paper-writing. Especially when you add in the hours I spend actually teaching, going to AA, working with my sponsee, taking my voice lessons, visiting my family, etc. I only spend the evenings with Narc-- when everything else is through-- but that takes away from my downtime at home. And with my dreams of "apartment therapy" in place, I need that time to putter in my house, to de-clutter and to dust.

Is this post becoming one giant complaint? I didn't intend for it to come out that way. Actually-- life is good right now. Life is very good. I love the Fall. My cheeks feel rosy. I am in love with a new lip gloss; and I am obsessed with Rossetti's painting of "Pandora." What could be better?

Um... what else? I don't know. My hands are cold. I set up a Twitter account, hoping it might unblock my blogger's block. We'll see if it has any effect.

The other night Hud was on TV. Narc and I watched it, even though it kept us up until almost 3:00 AM. I love that movie.

Hud: Man like that sounds no better than a heel.

Alma: Aren't you all?

Hud: Honey, don't go shooting all the dogs 'cause one of 'em's got fleas.

Alma: I was married to Ed for six years. Only thing he was ever good for was to scratch my back where I couldn't reach it.

Hud: You still got that itch?

Alma: Off and on.

Hud: Well let me know when it gets to bothering you.

Question: How did Paul Newman manage to be so damn sparkling?


Anyway, I have to teach again in a few, so I better go get my head in the game and go over my class notes. I hope you are all well out there!

Lots of love,

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Facade

I am drinking diet Mountain Dew... on the rocks. There is something grossly unnatural about that. The sun is out, but my hands are cold. I'm tired and don't want to be reading about factory reform.

The other night when I was out to dinner with Narc and his friends, something struck me-- many people talk themselves up and sell themselves with ease. I can't seem to come by that skill. In fact, it always surprises me when I see others doing it. One woman at the table introduced herself as a jeweler. It turns out that although she has an academic background in "European silver and gold," she has only just started taking classes in jewelry making. I don't introduce myself as a "historian." Maybe I should... maybe I am... But I tend to say that I'm a "grad student."

I was at a doctor's office with my mom a few weeks ago and mentioned that I'm on a semester schedule.

"Oh, you're in college!" said the nurse.

I just smiled and didn't say anything.

"She TEACHES college!" my mom piped up.

I felt "bad" about that for some reason.

Again-- at dinner on Sunday night, Narc was making some reference to Dante's Inferno. To prove his point (which was a rather ridiculous point), he insisted that he had read the Inferno in the original Italian. Everyone at the table nodded solemnly, as such a statement commanded immediate respect. But I had to try hard not to roll my eyes. Narc doesn't speak Italian! How could he say something like that and not expect to get caught?

Later, back at his place, I called him out.

"You don't speak Italian," I pointed out.

"Yes, but I read it in the original Italian. In my edition it's printed side by side with the English."

"No shit. It's that way in my edition too. But just because you physically read the Italian words, if you didn't understand them and translate them, I don't think it qualifies as having read it in the 'original Italian.'"

"Of course it does," he said.

The conversation began to teeter on an argument, and I didn't want to have one of those over something so trivial. It wasn't even that I cared about the lie. It just struck me as an incredible ability to effortlessly inflate himself. Why can't I do that? I don't even want to make things up! I just want to be able to own what I actually have achieved.

In any case, I really liked the Jeweler. She remembered the Lalique exhibit at Cooper Hewitt that transformed me back in 1999; and she had read Ruskin's Sesame & Lilies and Mary Wollstonecraft. She invited me to a class with her yoga guru who apparently has a penthouse (or something like it) in Trump Tower.

Ugh... I hate the mouse on the computer here in the Adjunct office. It get stuck makes me want to smash it into shards against the wall.

Ok... back to dreary factories and abused children. Have to get the lesson plan done in the next half hour... Looking forward to tonight's debate.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Sesame and Lilies

I can't believe it's been a month. I don't know if I can even really call myself a blogger anymore. But, in any case, I'm still here... I'm still alive. I'm still figuring things out.

The best and most important news is that BigSis had the baby!!! Sesame (as she will heretofore be known) was born a week ago today- a tiny little thing at five and a half pounds with a full head of black hair. She has big. beautiful gray eyes and is the most perfect, amazing baby I could imagine. I fell madly in love with her on first sight and so for the past week I've been with my family nearly every day. I just can't stay away from my niece! It helped that I had a few days off from teaching between the Jewish holidays and Columbus Day and all that. But, it's back to work tomorrow.

On the Narc front, everything is calm-- so calm that there's hardly anything to report. We had a "perfect" day two Fridays ago. I wanted to blog about it, but... Anyway, we started the day (a twinkling Fall day on which I felt pretty in my clothes) at MoMA where I got to see Kirchner's "Street Scene" paintings, quite a sight after having only had access to muted reproductions. The colors were electric and the brush strokes slashed me, but felt like feathers. The whole effect was rather hallucinatory. After that, we walked North through Central Park and had dinner at Sabarsky. Then we browsed the book store before attending a lecture at the Met on London in the Jazz Age. Finally, that night we went to see Bill Mahr's movie-- Religulous.

Meema was staying with me for a while, as she's going through some major transitions in her personal life. Since she moved out, I've been with Narc nearly every night. We've gone out with his friends, and that barrier seems to completely have come down. It's strange that he integrates me into his life now, because I can't seem to integrate him into mine. We were out for dinner last night with three of his friends. There was a heated debate about whether or not we are entirely ruled by evolutionary instincts. I don't know... I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about the two of us. Nothing dramatic or knotted or sick... just a little bitter taste that I can't seem to shake and an underlying anxiety that something is just wrong. I don't know if it makes any sense that my niece should make any difference in all of this, but since she was born, I feel even more like I'm in a hole I have to squirm out of. I really want to move on. I know I've been saying that forever and haven't done it, but I have made some insanely huge changes in my life, so I have faith that this one is just next on the list.

What else...? As I lost a lot of weight this year, I have been having a blast shopping for Fall clothes. BigSis helped me pick out a gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous Calvin Klein winter coat. I even bought a few pairs of high heels (with Meema's help) and I've been practicing traipsing around the city (on days in which my schedule requires minimal walking!). Um... what else? My sponsee and I "broke up," although I'm now working with another woman, so it all worked out. I'm back to taking voice lessons and loving it. Right now I'm just beginning to learn Tatiana's letter scene from Onegin and Sieglinde's narrative from Walkure.

Speaking of the opera, Anxious and I saw a phenomenal production of Salome on Saturday. Karita Mattila got totally nude, there was a sudden, quite unexpected, passionate suicide, and the libretto included references to rare items such as "turquoise that can make you see things that aren't there." Awesome.

Today I had lunch with B and his wife "D." (I'll have to call her that, as her previous name just isn't nice.) It was the best interaction I've yet to have with her. I think she accepted the olive branch I extended when I offered my apartment for her (co-ed) baby shower.

Oh-- I had a little drama that I neglected to write about when it happened. Narc inadvertently met TT. That was a little weird. I would get into the whole story, but it was a few weeks ago and doesn't really seem to matter anymore at this point.

Anyway, I'll try to post more often and I'll try to get back online and read everyone's blogs. I've been gone for too long! Part of it is that I have absolutely no down time these days. I'm never home, and the afternoon time I have in between teaching (when I used to do a lot of my blogging) is spent writing lesson plans for my British History class.

I'm turning 30 in a few months. I think I'll be ready for it just in time... :)


Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Moral Economy

Every day has been full. There's barely been a minute to pause! Yesterday I had brunch with an old high school friend, Farb. I hadn't seen her in about 12 years. We ate at Friend of a Farmer in Gramercy and then walked around Union Square. It was strange to see such a familiar face and to hear such a familiar voice grown and morphed and somehow changed from an 18 year old girl to a 31 year old woman overnight. It was as if the entire past twelve years had lasted only one night, and everything that has happened to me in that time became, somehow, incidental.

Meema is staying at my house right now. She's going through a divorce, but I'm proud of her for how strong she is. When I got back from brunch, we chatted for a while. I did all I could to put off writing my lecture on the English Enlightenment. She bought me a bar of soap at a street fair. It was lovely.

On Saturday night, we watched The Other Boleyn Girl and Saturday Night Live. We both want to buy a "jar glove."

On Saturday afternoon, Narc and I had dumplings before taking a stroll through Little Italy's San Gennaro festival. Afterwards, we shared a coconut cupcake and got in a fight about postmodernism at a new cafe in Hammer's neighborhood. Narc believes that the "palace of art" should be guarded.

Last week I had my first voice lesson in quite some time. I don't feel like myself when I'm not singing. Something beautiful is on the horizon. It comes with cold Fall air and layers of clothing and boots and singing lessons and hours in the library. This time of year is such a relief.

Last night I caught up with Brick on the phone. He's doing well. I may have a new sponsee in AA. She told me that she has 19 years sober but has never really worked the steps. That kind of sobriety intimidates me, but I'm just going to trust that she came into my life for a reason. I'm going to meet with her tomorrow after the meeting.

I hope it's not taking on too much to have another sponsee. I've been feeling pulled apart in a million directions-- by friends, by work, by family, by EVERYTHING! I just don't have enough time anymore to do it and to do it right.

In any case, I've been addicted to buying clothes lately. I can't afford it. I'm also addicted to caffeine. I bought one of those new "Garnier" eye de-puffers with caffeine in it. I doubt it will work, but I just liked the idea of rolling a caffeine pen over the skin under my eyes.

Anyway, I should get back to work. The differences between the British and the French Enlightenment are striking and explain a lot. In the case of Britain, politics should affirm the cosmic harmony, integrating individual appetites into an equilibrium (through the invisible hand of the market and so on). A new "moral economy" is founded on individualism and then Shaftesbury integrates pleasure into that moral frame. Hedonism in ethics validates free economic activity. It seems as if the English ideology leads into a sort of refined hedonism and enlightened "self-interest."

BigSis called me this afternoon. She said that she is 1 cm dilated and that the baby is dropped. It's a few weeks before her original due date, but the baby is full term. I absolutely can't wait!

Well... that's it for now.


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

In Gray

It's a gray and dreary day today. Mr. Rochester is sitting at my feet. I had to take him to the vet last week and he was not happy about it. I'm glad he's okay, although I need to bring him back to have his teeth cleaned.

I really want to buy a pair of riding boots-- tall black boots with a stacked heel. I'd wear them out on a day like today.

I've been doing a lot of clothes shopping lately. I'm going for an 18th century look. A week or so ago, Hammer and I had an afternoon reunion and made our way through the shops of SoHo. We had brunch at Cafe Colonial and then both bought colored skinny-jeans at Uniqlo. She has already returned hers. I tried mine on for Narc and he said they're ok, but I'm still thinking about it. I also got a few tops at Anthropologie.

I watched every night of both political conventions. Giuliani made me want to puke all over myself. I can't stand Sarah Palin. It's so much aggravation that I don't want to think about it anymore, but the political season is just beginning. I will want to move far away if Obama doesn't win. Every time I eat arugula now, I think of myself as a latte-drinking liberal. That only reminds me that I need to kick my caffeine addiction which has become markedly worse.

Other than that, I've just been doing a lot of school work and spending a lot of time with Narc. We've been together almost every night. We've watched many "Sex in the City" re-runs. CouchSleeper got robbed at gunpoint in his apartment and ended up crashing at Narc's for a few days. Narc uploaded all of his "papers" onto some server and gave me the password in case of his demise. I hope he's not planning on going anywhere...

The weekend before last, I went to the beach with my mom and LilSis. It was a beautiful end to a tolerable summer-- the best summer I've had since 1999. This past weekend, I met Meema and StarGazer for brunch in Long Island City. We walked around the park behind the Pepsi Co. sign. It was beautiful out. I ate a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich and bought a pair of false eyelashes. There was arugula on my sandwich.

Anyway, I'm sure there's much more to say, but I'm tired and need to figure out something to say about the Seven Year's War instead of figuring out what to blog about. Tomorrow I'm teaching all day; on Thursday I'm meeting Hammer for coffee and then going to my voice lesson and AA. If I can, I'll stop by St. Bart's for the 9/11 memorial service. This weekend I may meet up with an old high school friend.

I want to get back into my old blogging routine. The more I wrote, the easier it was to write. Guess these things have their own rhythm.

That's all for now...


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Happy News!

I've been told that inquiring minds want to know...

Yes! NDN and Tamika are engaged!
Congrats, guys!



Monday, August 25, 2008

Falling Forward

Things have been busy around here! Slowly but surely, I'm getting everything done. NDN is just back from Colombia; Hammer is just back from Paris. I took my French translation exam last week and am pretty sure I passed, although I haven't gotten the official results yet. Fall is upon us!

Anxious and I went shopping on Friday and it was great-- we found the hidden MAC Pro store and played in there for over an hour. We also tried on a ton of stuff that we can't afford at Anthropologie. I am still pursuing my dream of looking like a Pre-Raphaelite. Later that night, I heard my sponsee's 5th step. It took a long time, but was a rewarding experience.

On Saturday I went to a barbecue out at my parent's house. BigSis is so pregnant now that it's strange. LilSis just celebrated her 1st wedding anniversary. JBC's sisters were there and I bonded with them.

Yesterday, Narc and I got dumplings in Chinatown and then I worked on my Fall syllabi. I can't believe the new semester starts on Wednesday. I sooooo wish I had another week to recover from summer teaching! It's all work and no play for me today and tomorrow as I finish preparing. Wednesday will be exhausting-- all day teaching and then Narc got us tickets to a NIN concert at the Meadowlands. He's a big fan. Me? Not so much. But, it will be an experience...

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a new red lipstick for Fall, so I can't complain!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What's Love Got To Do With It?

It's been an exhausting past few days. Shorty's visit was great.

Earlier that evening, in a fit of anxiety, I sent Narc a text:

I'm sorry, I wrote.

About two hours later, he wrote back:

Narc: I'm sorry too. Didn't want you to leave last night but thought it would be better for both of us. Needed to be alone after our dinner at any rate.

Hyde: It's ok. I ate my strawberries and cried it out and got sleep. I was so overtired! I don't want to make you unhappy. I hope we're ok... :)

Narc: Of course we're OK, though I do think we should really start to consider if we should continue sleeping together...

Hyde: I agree. If we really are "just friends," like you say, then we should act like it. It's too confusing for me otherwise. I will have to see, one step at a time, what feels right for me. I still don't think I could handle you dating someone else. but maybe I'll feel differently in a month or two if we really do just act like friends... I will certainly try. I want to find a way to be in each other's lives pain-free...

Narc: From what I hear seems like you'll be dating someone else before me hon...

Hyde: Who knows... but it's not something I really am ready for. Anyway, I guess let's just take it one day at a time and try to communicate and I think we'll be fine. I love you.

Narc: Yes, we shall see. Hope you have fun on your evening out with your blog fan, love you.

Hyde: :) We're meeting at 8 in W Vill, so I better go get dressed. Talk to you later...

Narc: K. Can call later if you're not too tired.

In any case, it was interesting to meet Vin in person. I met them near the Christopher Street Station and we barhopped a little-- from the Fat Black Pussycat to Marie's Crisis to the Red Lion. My friend Drew came along. I had the feeling that if it had just been me and Shorty, we would have been able to gossip a lot more, but it was fun either way.

After she and Vin headed home, Drew and I grabbed a bite to eat and then went back to Marie's for a little while. We saw SingMan there-- a real blast from the past. Too bad Hammer is in France so I couldn't text her! I ended up going down to see Narc at around 3:00 AM. And yes-- we ended up having sex. Oops... maybe... whatever. I don't know anymore.

On Sunday I sat on his couch and we obliterated ourselves with television. My shoe broke the night before, so I couldn't wander far. We ended up ordering in takeout all day.

The past few days I've felt run down. I haven't been nearly as productive as I should have been and on Monday night I fell asleep at 9:30 PM. NDN is off in Colombia, but called me with some big news. Bezoukhoff is acting kind of weird and caused a mini-emotional drama for me, but maybe I'll get more into that later. I was grateful to be back at my usual AA meeting last night. Afterwards I had dinner with Drew and StarGazer.

Last night I had a chance to catch up with Liu on the phone. Later that night, I got a call from the Stallion! It was a little unexpected, and the conversation was even more unexpected. He told me that he thinks about me all the time-- that he can't stop.

"Um... yeah, we had some good times," I said.

It always feels awkward for me with him. We just don't "work" unless I'm wasted or high beyond belief.

"I'm not just talking about the sex," he said. "I think we really connected, H! I think that we bonded at some sort of core level."

I didn't want to tell him that I can't remember any of our conversations because I was always in a blackout. For me it was always only about the sex, and I was a different person then. I am not the girl he slept with back then. And he didn't even know her! For him, I am a projection of everything that is lacking in his current relationship, put up on some sort of pedestal as what he could have. Apparently his girlfriend doesn't like to fuck.

"What are you saying?" I asked him.

"In an ideal world, I'd tell Tiff that it's not working, she'd understand and I'd come to NY and we'd be together."

Wait... what?!?

"Are you serious?" I half laughed.

"Yeah... I think you and I would work. I always think 'what if...'"

"Well, you have a kid," I said. "And I'm not the same person that I was. And there's no point in thinking about things that way because it's not practical. I need to move on and move forward in my life and find the right thing for me, you know?"

He kept saying he was so glad that he called me and that he couldn't stop thinking about the way I looked standing outside of Barnes & Nobles the last time he was in town. He told me to email him a picture that he could use to masturbate.

Needless to say, I'm not planning on it.

But the whole conversation left me feeling a little empty and a little more cut off from everything around me and a little more confused about who I am and where I am going. I watched a few episodes of Oz and then fell asleep at around 2:00 AM.

Today I had an appointment with a new doctor. There's some stuff going on with me medically and it's going to lead to some big bills. I have to figure all of that out.

In any case, that's it for now. I'm off to meet B.


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Over Dinner

Narc and I had a fight last night... Well, I don't know if it was really a "fight," but I left in tears.

My week had been going well. I stayed over Narc's on Wednesday night and then finished teaching that killer summer course on Thursday. I got stuck in a thunder storm that day, but almost didn't care. I have to take a French reading exam next week, so I've been reading short stories in French. I like reading short stories. It makes me feel a little cozy.

Later on that night, I caught up with NDN and Tamika. They left for Colombia yesterday for a nine day vacation. At around 11:00 I headed down to see Narc. We went to a midnight showing of "Mirrors." It was creepy and made me jump, but the script was just awful.

I left his place relatively early the next morning to meet B for lunch and to watch "Tropic Thunder." There, I laughed my ass off. It's always good to laugh. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon watching the women's all-around competition in gymnastics. I somehow managed to get through the morning without having heard who took the gold the previous day.

Narc sent me a text at around 4:30 asking if I wanted to go back down there for dinner. He wanted katsu don. I agreed and almost didn't mind being stuck in the rain again while trying to grab a cab.

Dinner was okay, but Narc was feeling bitter or self-pity or something. Several times he brought up people like Laurie or ModelChick or the Exhibitionist. He said he felt so bad for them, that they are heading into middle age and losing all of their market value and are going to end up old and alone. I told him that when he talks about people like that it's toxic to me. I told him that I don't and won't think of people as having commodity exchange value, and that I don't believe it's impossible for a woman to find love past 40. He told me that the rest of the world doesn't agree with me.

"That's not true, Narc," I said. "It's a choice. You can choose to live in that materialistic shallow world or you can choose to make real connections with other people who don't see it all as a market place. Both ways are out there. You are choosing to see the world through one lens and I'm choosing another."

"It's not about choosing," he said. "This is what my experience has shown me."

"Well, my experience has shown me something else. I think you just pick people who keep proving your point to you, so you can be right in your cynical despair."

"That's bullshit," he said.

Later on, we were talking about wishes. I said I wished for a house on the ocean.

"Tropical or northern?"

"Somewhere like Maine," I said. "I've always wanted to go to Maine."

"We should take a trip up there."

Wait-- what???

"You'd go to Maine with me?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

I didn't say anything. But maybe it's why I later brought up something that I probably shouldn't have.

"You wanna hear something funny?" I asked.


"My mom said that she wanted to have dinner with us-- you and me. I shut her down on that one right away, though. Can you imagine?"

"You and I have very different types of mothers," he said.

"I can't think of anything more awkward."

"I wouldn't feel awkward," he smiled.

(That's a lie!)

"Well, I would..."

Suddenly, I felt strange that I had brought it up-- that it made it sound like we were a couple-- I didn't want him to think that I was saying we are a "couple."

"She probably just wants to meet my friends," I added. "I mean, she knows most of my friends and she knows I spend a lot of time with you."

"She can't have met all of your friends," he said. "What about Bezoukhoff? Has your mom had dinner with you and Bezoukhoff?"

"Actually-- yes. He came down to Maryland with my mom and me two years ago when I delivered a paper at that conference. Remember that? I can't believe that he actually came down. My mom adored him though. I don't know... maybe it wouldn't be so weird," I went on. "Maybe now that things are more 'normal' between you and me, it wouldn't be so strange-- like we kind of are normal friends."

"Things have always been normal for me, Hyde. You're the one who felt differently about it."

That really hurt. What was he saying? That there has never been anything between us? That I've imagined the whole thing? That he never had any feelings for me?

"What? That's not true," I said, defensively. "You've definitely changed the way you've acted towards me."

"Probably," he said.

I couldn't tell what he meant from his intonation.

"And anyway-- if things were always so normal for you and this friendship was always so normal, then why did you never invite me to anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Narc! You know what I mean-- you've never invited me to anything ever. You've had plenty of parties."

"Well... you don't drink."

"That's bullshit. I drank for two years of this friendship. Your Oscar parties..."

"Those are only for 'movie people.'"

"That's not true. You've invited other girls to those. And your birthdays..."

"I never did anything for my birthday except this last one."

"I know you went out for your 29th... you blogged about it!"

"Well, that was just a few friends."

"Whatever." I stood up, as we had just finished paying the check. "I'm just angry now. I'm in a bad mood. I mean, I can't not think about it. I think about the fact that you didn't invite me to your birthday every single day. Every single day it crosses my mind!"

I felt a burning feeling in my stomach-- almost as if I were going to throw up a ball of fire.

"Well, I don't ever think about it," he said.

"Yeah, I know," I muttered, bitterly. 'That's the whole point. You don't ever think about it. You don't think about my feelings... EVER!"

We headed outside and swung north towards the deli where he wanted to pick up some Ben & Jerry's.

"I don't know... maybe I should just go home later."

"Whatever," he said.

He was was walking a few paces ahead of me. Just then, as we were approaching Nobu, I saw a small crowd of people around a car. Some were taking pictures. It looked like there had been some kind of car accident. But as we got closer and were just a few feet away, I saw that it was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and little Suri. It was kind of surreal. We walked right past them and through the photographers who were crowding the sidewalk.

In the deli, Narc bought his ice cream and I got some strawberries. We barely spoke a word while walking back to his place. Once back there, I sat down on the bench in his living room and looked at my feet. I didn't really want to go.

He got an umbrella and tossed it onto the pile of my stuff.

"Here," he said. "Take it on your way out."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked.

"Well, yeah."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I think I want to be alone tonight," he said.


"I'm just so sick of people judging me, Hyde! You're just the same as everyone else. You sit there judging me all the time-- apparently judging me when we're not even together! You and my mom would probably get along just great-- you both apparently think I'm an awful person."

"I never said you were an awful person!"

Now I was starting to cry.

"That's not what I said. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that my feelings were hurt."

"Maybe I should just get rid of you-- just get rid of everyone. Start over from a total zero! You think that I bring pain into my own life. My fucking, asshole therapist says the same thing and blames me. Sorry I don't have a loving mom like you and tons of friends like you and some wonderful, loving therapist like you!"

I was kind of dumbfounded by this attack and felt like I had to go on the defense.

"I'm not trying to judge you," I repeated through my sobs. "And I'm sorry if I've been passive aggressive. I just have hurt feelings and can't get rid of it and don't know where to put it and just want to hear you say 'I'm sorry I hurt you.'"

"You didn't hurt me," he said.

(Did he misunderstand what I had just said?)

"You didn't hurt me, but I'm fucking sick of this shit! All of your snide little remarks-- telling me that you would never consider having dinner with me and your mom-- like I'm so fucking awful!"

That really surprised me.

"What? That's not what I meant! The reason it would be awkward to have dinner with my mom is not because you're awful. It's because our relationship is so undefined and so confusing. And presenting it to my mom would beg to define it. And I just brought it up to you because I thought that maybe you would share that with me -- that it's confusing... that you and I are going through that together."

"It's not confusing," he said, flatly. "You're the only one who's confused."

"You're not confused?!" I asked, incredulously.

"No. I'm not. I know exactly how I feel and I have never been confused."

"I don't sleep with my other friends, Narc!" I shouted at him, through my torrents of tears.

"So, maybe we shouldn't sleep together. That's what I suggested a few months ago, but you said no-- that the only way we could stay friends is if we still sleep together."

What?? Is that what happened?

I was so fucking tired and really felt like I was losing my mind.

"You really want me to leave?" I asked, meekly.

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Well, can I at least have five minutes to get myself together?"

He went into his bedroom and I went into the bathroom and heaved and sobbed and tried not to over-oxygenate, although I felt my face tingling and my head felt hot and dizzy. I washed my face and counted to 100 and then got up to collect my things.

"Okay, I guess I'm going," I said, leaning in the doorway to his bedroom.


"Can I at least have a hug?"

He came over to give me a hug and I clung to him as tightly as I could. He held me like that for three or four minutes.

"You really want me to leave?" I whispered.

"Yes, hon. Go home and get some sleep. You're overtired. And I want to be alone."

I turned and picked up my bag and the umbrella without saying a word. And I cried the whole way home.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a headache. I don't know what that was about, last night, except that this relationship is untenable and it has to give at some point. I'm tired and a little depressed, though and I don't really want to get out of bed. I'm going to try to get on my exercise bike and to do a little house cleaning today.

The good news is that Shorty is in town and I have plans to meet up with her and a friend of hers tonight. So-- something to look forward to at the end of the day!

That's it for now...


Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Leave it to me to start a new blog and then not post anything!

I've been busy... Last week was filled with doctor's appointments and visiting the nutritionist regarding my ongoing weight loss. It seems that I'm healthy and it all checks out and I've made great progress. I bumped into the sister of one of NDN's best friends in the waiting room for my doctor and we exchanged numbers. I have to give her a call one of these days...

On Wednesday I ended up on another inadvertent date with DC-- the same guy I stumbled into a date with a few weeks ago. We went out to the same diner after class and once again, I swooped in to pay for my half of the check. Yes--despite the fact that the last time I did that he called to "apologize" for it half an hour after we had parted ways! In any case, this "date" was pretty much the same as the last-- I felt awkward and a little guilty for misleading him and a little guilty for not being attracted to him. He looked like he was struggling to keep the flow of the evening going and to keep conversation up. I was glad when it was over.

True to form, about half an hour after I got home, he rang me up. I didn't answer this time.

"Um, Hyde... it's DC..." he said. "Just give me a call back when you can. I want to ask you something."

I didn't return his call that night.

The next morning, I woke up at around 10:30 AM and saw I had missed another call from him.

"Hyde, it's DC again. Just wanted to ask you a question if you could give me a call back."

I was scheduled to speak at a meeting that afternoon and didn't want to walk into that with this unresolved awkwardness hanging over my head, so I sucked it up and called him back.

"What's up?" I asked, as cheerfully as I could muster.

"Um... Well, I had a really nice time the other night... I mean, last night. And I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me-- not to a diner but to someplace nicer."

Now I felt really guilty.

"You mean... like a date?"

"Yes-- a date."

"Um... Well..."

Now it was my turn to act like an awkward fourth grader. I'm so, so, so, so bad at this-- I can never say "no" to anyone. But I'm not into this guy. I don't have to go out with someone I'm not attracted to, right?

"Well, I enjoy spending time with you," I began. "But... Um... I'm really not available for that right now. I mean-- I don't want to mislead you or anything."

(Why can't I just say "no" plain and simple?)

In any case, as much as it made me feel like an incompetent adolescent, I think it's good practice for me. I have to learn how to maneuver in the dating world at some time-- without the lubrication of alcohol and my fake "Mr. Hyde" persona, that is.

On Thursday, after speaking at that meeting and teaching my class, I headed over to Playwright's to meet some of my fellow historians for karaoke. Bezoukhoff and his new woman, Medici, were there. I had a really good time. And get this-- I met another tattooed timpani player! It's the same bar where I met the last one. Weird, right? I also bumped into some friends of Anxious, which was kind of random.

On Friday I finally got to see B! He's back from the Philippines after having been away for about three weeks. We met for lunch on the Upper East Side. Afterwards, I caught up with NDN back at my place, and then headed down to Narc's. We watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics. I have a lot of thoughts about all that, but don't feel like getting into all of it right now.

Saturday morning I was booked to speak at two meetings in a row-- the first at 9:00 AM. I was absolutely exhausted. For the third or fourth night in a row I had only slept about five hours. It was good to see my friends at that first meeting though-- StarGazer and Meema and Slope, who I haven't seen in months! At the second meeting, there was a really crazy woman who said that she was slapped across the face at my home group. I have trouble believing that.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," was all that I could say to her about that.

Later in the afternoon, I went back downtown to Narc's. He was just getting up. We had plans to go to a magic show at 5:00-- he got the tickets. Before we went there, we wandered around the West Village and did a little shopping. We passed a crystal shop and both wanted to look around but were out of time. So, we decided to go back after the show.

The magic show was more "mentalism" than magic. It was kind of fun. Narc got called up onto the stage as the very first "volunteer."

Afterwards, we went back to the crystal shop and both bought crystals-- I got an aqua aura pendant and he bought rose quartz, a piece of lapis and a lemurian seed crystal (which I'm not sure I entirely "believe" in.) After that, I had the sudden urge to get a tattoo, but we were both starving. We walked towards Union Square and stopped in the Petco there because they had kittens and I wanted to see them. The strangest thing happened-- I saw two girls (looking at snakes) with gratingly familiar voices. A few weeks ago when I went out to Brighton Beach to see Anxious, there was a really annoying group of loud-mouthed people next to me on the subway. One of them spilled water and some of it got on my dress. Well-- the two girls in Petco were the same girls from the subway.

"Were you guys on the Q train a few weeks back going to the beach?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Do you remember you got water on a girl reading her book? Well, that was me."

"Oh my god!" they exclaimed, as if we knew each other. "How ARE you? Did you have fun that day, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, it was fine."

I went back to find Narc who was contemplating buying a Beta fish. (He didn't).

We ate dinner that night at Angelo & Maxi's and ordered too much food and saw Michael Phelp's racing on the screen above the bar, even though I wanted to wait until we got home to watch the games recorded. I still wanted to get that tattoo.

I had promised BigSis' friend AGrub that the next time I went for a tattoo I would call him (as he is strangely fascinated but to chicken to get one himself), and so I sent him at text. Narc and I walked over to St. Mark's and AGrub met us there at around 11:00 PM. He was just leaving work! I swear, those corporate lawyers have it rough...

I picked out my tattoo and gritted my teeth and squeezed Narc's hand. It hurt like hell, as it's on the tendon on the back of my left ankle. Afterwards, we went to Ben & Jerry's. But as I'm off sugar, I had to have some mediocre tasting ice cream made with splenda and felt sick after eating it.

Back at his place, we watched some more Olympics and I tried not to feel too sick and then we finally went to bed.

On Sunday I woke up before him, as I'm just used to getting up early these days. I went to Duane Reade to get the right kind of moisturizer for my tattoo. Then I got some coffee and sat down at his computer to do a little work. When he woke up, he asked if I wanted to go for brunch with his friend Steve and his boyfriend. We met them at Perilla in the West Village. It was a nice brunch. I really like Steve. I got to talk to him a lot when Narc first went back into the hospital last month. It did feel strange though, to feel like a "couple" with him. Being out with people I don't know that well, in that context, it felt different from how it feels when it's just me and him. Ugh. It fucks with my head.

In any case, after brunch, we resumed shopping. He wanted to go to the MoMa design shop. It was raining out. I bought a new journal at Kate's Paperie. We ended up back at his place at around 5:30 PM. I tried to get a little work done while he made us dinner. Then we ate and watched more Olympics.

On Monday I left there early so that I could get some more work done before therapy. That evening I met with my sponsee (who is struggling to get through her 4th step) and then went to yoga with my friend Drew. I bumped into another girl that I know in the yoga class. We agreed that we should get coffee sometime and try to coordinate doing more yoga together.

Yesterday I had to go out to Brooklyn to fill out some paperwork for my fall teaching assignment. It took a lot longer than I expected. Plus, I hadn't eaten breakfast, so by the time i left there (at around 2:30 PM), I was ready to pass out. I got home just in time to eat something, finish up my lesson plan (on Postmodernism and Post-structuralism and Deconstruction-- God knows how I managed to teach a class on all that!) and headed off to teach.

After class last night, I had dinner with Jake. He just broke up with his girlfriend of five years and moved into his own place about 20 blocks north of where I live. We had delicious kimchi tofu soup at Cho Dang Gol on 35th street. It was soooo good! He walked me home afterwards, I watched the women's gymnastics, and finally collapsed to sleep at around 2:30 AM.

Today I'm stuck at home waiting for the cable technician. Narc wants to go see Tropic Thunder later. I'm trying to clean out my hall closet.

I have a lot more that I've been thinking about... about life, about relationships, etc. But I just don't have it in me to jump into all of that. So, I guess this kind of "events" update will have to do for now.

Ok... now off to read what everyone else is up to out there in the blog-o-sphere!


Monday, August 4, 2008

Starting over (again)...

I suppose I'm tired of looking at things in black. So...something else!