Happy News!

I've been told that inquiring minds want to know...

Yes! NDN and Tamika are engaged!
Congrats, guys!

:)

h

Falling Forward

Things have been busy around here! Slowly but surely, I'm getting everything done. NDN is just back from Colombia; Hammer is just back from Paris. I took my French translation exam last week and am pretty sure I passed, although I haven't gotten the official results yet. Fall is upon us!

Anxious and I went shopping on Friday and it was great-- we found the hidden MAC Pro store and played in there for over an hour. We also tried on a ton of stuff that we can't afford at Anthropologie. I am still pursuing my dream of looking like a Pre-Raphaelite. Later that night, I heard my sponsee's 5th step. It took a long time, but was a rewarding experience.

On Saturday I went to a barbecue out at my parent's house. BigSis is so pregnant now that it's strange. LilSis just celebrated her 1st wedding anniversary. JBC's sisters were there and I bonded with them.

Yesterday, Narc and I got dumplings in Chinatown and then I worked on my Fall syllabi. I can't believe the new semester starts on Wednesday. I sooooo wish I had another week to recover from summer teaching! It's all work and no play for me today and tomorrow as I finish preparing. Wednesday will be exhausting-- all day teaching and then Narc got us tickets to a NIN concert at the Meadowlands. He's a big fan. Me? Not so much. But, it will be an experience...

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a new red lipstick for Fall, so I can't complain!

love,
h

What's Love Got To Do With It?

It's been an exhausting past few days. Shorty's visit was great.

Earlier that evening, in a fit of anxiety, I sent Narc a text:

I'm sorry, I wrote.

About two hours later, he wrote back:

Narc: I'm sorry too. Didn't want you to leave last night but thought it would be better for both of us. Needed to be alone after our dinner at any rate.

Hyde: It's ok. I ate my strawberries and cried it out and got sleep. I was so overtired! I don't want to make you unhappy. I hope we're ok... :)

Narc: Of course we're OK, though I do think we should really start to consider if we should continue sleeping together...

Hyde: I agree. If we really are "just friends," like you say, then we should act like it. It's too confusing for me otherwise. I will have to see, one step at a time, what feels right for me. I still don't think I could handle you dating someone else. but maybe I'll feel differently in a month or two if we really do just act like friends... I will certainly try. I want to find a way to be in each other's lives pain-free...

Narc: From what I hear seems like you'll be dating someone else before me hon...

Hyde: Who knows... but it's not something I really am ready for. Anyway, I guess let's just take it one day at a time and try to communicate and I think we'll be fine. I love you.

Narc: Yes, we shall see. Hope you have fun on your evening out with your blog fan, love you.

Hyde: :) We're meeting at 8 in W Vill, so I better go get dressed. Talk to you later...

Narc: K. Can call later if you're not too tired.

In any case, it was interesting to meet Vin in person. I met them near the Christopher Street Station and we barhopped a little-- from the Fat Black Pussycat to Marie's Crisis to the Red Lion. My friend Drew came along. I had the feeling that if it had just been me and Shorty, we would have been able to gossip a lot more, but it was fun either way.

After she and Vin headed home, Drew and I grabbed a bite to eat and then went back to Marie's for a little while. We saw SingMan there-- a real blast from the past. Too bad Hammer is in France so I couldn't text her! I ended up going down to see Narc at around 3:00 AM. And yes-- we ended up having sex. Oops... maybe... whatever. I don't know anymore.

On Sunday I sat on his couch and we obliterated ourselves with television. My shoe broke the night before, so I couldn't wander far. We ended up ordering in takeout all day.

The past few days I've felt run down. I haven't been nearly as productive as I should have been and on Monday night I fell asleep at 9:30 PM. NDN is off in Colombia, but called me with some big news. Bezoukhoff is acting kind of weird and caused a mini-emotional drama for me, but maybe I'll get more into that later. I was grateful to be back at my usual AA meeting last night. Afterwards I had dinner with Drew and StarGazer.

Last night I had a chance to catch up with Liu on the phone. Later that night, I got a call from the Stallion! It was a little unexpected, and the conversation was even more unexpected. He told me that he thinks about me all the time-- that he can't stop.

"Um... yeah, we had some good times," I said.

It always feels awkward for me with him. We just don't "work" unless I'm wasted or high beyond belief.

"I'm not just talking about the sex," he said. "I think we really connected, H! I think that we bonded at some sort of core level."

I didn't want to tell him that I can't remember any of our conversations because I was always in a blackout. For me it was always only about the sex, and I was a different person then. I am not the girl he slept with back then. And he didn't even know her! For him, I am a projection of everything that is lacking in his current relationship, put up on some sort of pedestal as what he could have. Apparently his girlfriend doesn't like to fuck.

"What are you saying?" I asked him.

"In an ideal world, I'd tell Tiff that it's not working, she'd understand and I'd come to NY and we'd be together."

Wait... what?!?

"Are you serious?" I half laughed.

"Yeah... I think you and I would work. I always think 'what if...'"

"Well, you have a kid," I said. "And I'm not the same person that I was. And there's no point in thinking about things that way because it's not practical. I need to move on and move forward in my life and find the right thing for me, you know?"

He kept saying he was so glad that he called me and that he couldn't stop thinking about the way I looked standing outside of Barnes & Nobles the last time he was in town. He told me to email him a picture that he could use to masturbate.

Needless to say, I'm not planning on it.

But the whole conversation left me feeling a little empty and a little more cut off from everything around me and a little more confused about who I am and where I am going. I watched a few episodes of Oz and then fell asleep at around 2:00 AM.

Today I had an appointment with a new doctor. There's some stuff going on with me medically and it's going to lead to some big bills. I have to figure all of that out.

In any case, that's it for now. I'm off to meet B.

love,
h

Over Dinner

Narc and I had a fight last night... Well, I don't know if it was really a "fight," but I left in tears.

My week had been going well. I stayed over Narc's on Wednesday night and then finished teaching that killer summer course on Thursday. I got stuck in a thunder storm that day, but almost didn't care. I have to take a French reading exam next week, so I've been reading short stories in French. I like reading short stories. It makes me feel a little cozy.

Later on that night, I caught up with NDN and Tamika. They left for Colombia yesterday for a nine day vacation. At around 11:00 I headed down to see Narc. We went to a midnight showing of "Mirrors." It was creepy and made me jump, but the script was just awful.

I left his place relatively early the next morning to meet B for lunch and to watch "Tropic Thunder." There, I laughed my ass off. It's always good to laugh. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon watching the women's all-around competition in gymnastics. I somehow managed to get through the morning without having heard who took the gold the previous day.

Narc sent me a text at around 4:30 asking if I wanted to go back down there for dinner. He wanted katsu don. I agreed and almost didn't mind being stuck in the rain again while trying to grab a cab.

Dinner was okay, but Narc was feeling bitter or self-pity or something. Several times he brought up people like Laurie or ModelChick or the Exhibitionist. He said he felt so bad for them, that they are heading into middle age and losing all of their market value and are going to end up old and alone. I told him that when he talks about people like that it's toxic to me. I told him that I don't and won't think of people as having commodity exchange value, and that I don't believe it's impossible for a woman to find love past 40. He told me that the rest of the world doesn't agree with me.

"That's not true, Narc," I said. "It's a choice. You can choose to live in that materialistic shallow world or you can choose to make real connections with other people who don't see it all as a market place. Both ways are out there. You are choosing to see the world through one lens and I'm choosing another."

"It's not about choosing," he said. "This is what my experience has shown me."

"Well, my experience has shown me something else. I think you just pick people who keep proving your point to you, so you can be right in your cynical despair."

"That's bullshit," he said.

Later on, we were talking about wishes. I said I wished for a house on the ocean.

"Tropical or northern?"

"Somewhere like Maine," I said. "I've always wanted to go to Maine."

"We should take a trip up there."

Wait-- what???

"You'd go to Maine with me?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

I didn't say anything. But maybe it's why I later brought up something that I probably shouldn't have.

"You wanna hear something funny?" I asked.

"What?"

"My mom said that she wanted to have dinner with us-- you and me. I shut her down on that one right away, though. Can you imagine?"

"You and I have very different types of mothers," he said.

"I can't think of anything more awkward."

"I wouldn't feel awkward," he smiled.

(That's a lie!)

"Well, I would..."

Suddenly, I felt strange that I had brought it up-- that it made it sound like we were a couple-- I didn't want him to think that I was saying we are a "couple."

"She probably just wants to meet my friends," I added. "I mean, she knows most of my friends and she knows I spend a lot of time with you."

"She can't have met all of your friends," he said. "What about Bezoukhoff? Has your mom had dinner with you and Bezoukhoff?"

"Actually-- yes. He came down to Maryland with my mom and me two years ago when I delivered a paper at that conference. Remember that? I can't believe that he actually came down. My mom adored him though. I don't know... maybe it wouldn't be so weird," I went on. "Maybe now that things are more 'normal' between you and me, it wouldn't be so strange-- like we kind of are normal friends."

"Things have always been normal for me, Hyde. You're the one who felt differently about it."

That really hurt. What was he saying? That there has never been anything between us? That I've imagined the whole thing? That he never had any feelings for me?

"What? That's not true," I said, defensively. "You've definitely changed the way you've acted towards me."

"Probably," he said.

I couldn't tell what he meant from his intonation.

"And anyway-- if things were always so normal for you and this friendship was always so normal, then why did you never invite me to anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Narc! You know what I mean-- you've never invited me to anything ever. You've had plenty of parties."

"Well... you don't drink."

"That's bullshit. I drank for two years of this friendship. Your Oscar parties..."

"Those are only for 'movie people.'"

"That's not true. You've invited other girls to those. And your birthdays..."

"I never did anything for my birthday except this last one."

"I know you went out for your 29th... you blogged about it!"

"Well, that was just a few friends."

"Whatever." I stood up, as we had just finished paying the check. "I'm just angry now. I'm in a bad mood. I mean, I can't not think about it. I think about the fact that you didn't invite me to your birthday every single day. Every single day it crosses my mind!"

I felt a burning feeling in my stomach-- almost as if I were going to throw up a ball of fire.

"Well, I don't ever think about it," he said.

"Yeah, I know," I muttered, bitterly. 'That's the whole point. You don't ever think about it. You don't think about my feelings... EVER!"

We headed outside and swung north towards the deli where he wanted to pick up some Ben & Jerry's.

"I don't know... maybe I should just go home later."

"Whatever," he said.

He was was walking a few paces ahead of me. Just then, as we were approaching Nobu, I saw a small crowd of people around a car. Some were taking pictures. It looked like there had been some kind of car accident. But as we got closer and were just a few feet away, I saw that it was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and little Suri. It was kind of surreal. We walked right past them and through the photographers who were crowding the sidewalk.

In the deli, Narc bought his ice cream and I got some strawberries. We barely spoke a word while walking back to his place. Once back there, I sat down on the bench in his living room and looked at my feet. I didn't really want to go.

He got an umbrella and tossed it onto the pile of my stuff.

"Here," he said. "Take it on your way out."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked.

"Well, yeah."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I think I want to be alone tonight," he said.

"Really?"

"I'm just so sick of people judging me, Hyde! You're just the same as everyone else. You sit there judging me all the time-- apparently judging me when we're not even together! You and my mom would probably get along just great-- you both apparently think I'm an awful person."

"I never said you were an awful person!"

Now I was starting to cry.

"That's not what I said. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that my feelings were hurt."

"Maybe I should just get rid of you-- just get rid of everyone. Start over from a total zero! You think that I bring pain into my own life. My fucking, asshole therapist says the same thing and blames me. Sorry I don't have a loving mom like you and tons of friends like you and some wonderful, loving therapist like you!"

I was kind of dumbfounded by this attack and felt like I had to go on the defense.

"I'm not trying to judge you," I repeated through my sobs. "And I'm sorry if I've been passive aggressive. I just have hurt feelings and can't get rid of it and don't know where to put it and just want to hear you say 'I'm sorry I hurt you.'"

"You didn't hurt me," he said.

(Did he misunderstand what I had just said?)

"You didn't hurt me, but I'm fucking sick of this shit! All of your snide little remarks-- telling me that you would never consider having dinner with me and your mom-- like I'm so fucking awful!"

That really surprised me.

"What? That's not what I meant! The reason it would be awkward to have dinner with my mom is not because you're awful. It's because our relationship is so undefined and so confusing. And presenting it to my mom would beg to define it. And I just brought it up to you because I thought that maybe you would share that with me -- that it's confusing... that you and I are going through that together."

"It's not confusing," he said, flatly. "You're the only one who's confused."

"You're not confused?!" I asked, incredulously.

"No. I'm not. I know exactly how I feel and I have never been confused."

"I don't sleep with my other friends, Narc!" I shouted at him, through my torrents of tears.

"So, maybe we shouldn't sleep together. That's what I suggested a few months ago, but you said no-- that the only way we could stay friends is if we still sleep together."

What?? Is that what happened?

I was so fucking tired and really felt like I was losing my mind.

"You really want me to leave?" I asked, meekly.

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Well, can I at least have five minutes to get myself together?"

He went into his bedroom and I went into the bathroom and heaved and sobbed and tried not to over-oxygenate, although I felt my face tingling and my head felt hot and dizzy. I washed my face and counted to 100 and then got up to collect my things.

"Okay, I guess I'm going," I said, leaning in the doorway to his bedroom.

"Okay."

"Can I at least have a hug?"

He came over to give me a hug and I clung to him as tightly as I could. He held me like that for three or four minutes.

"You really want me to leave?" I whispered.

"Yes, hon. Go home and get some sleep. You're overtired. And I want to be alone."

I turned and picked up my bag and the umbrella without saying a word. And I cried the whole way home.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a headache. I don't know what that was about, last night, except that this relationship is untenable and it has to give at some point. I'm tired and a little depressed, though and I don't really want to get out of bed. I'm going to try to get on my exercise bike and to do a little house cleaning today.

The good news is that Shorty is in town and I have plans to meet up with her and a friend of hers tonight. So-- something to look forward to at the end of the day!

That's it for now...

love,
h

Encounters

Leave it to me to start a new blog and then not post anything!

I've been busy... Last week was filled with doctor's appointments and visiting the nutritionist regarding my ongoing weight loss. It seems that I'm healthy and it all checks out and I've made great progress. I bumped into the sister of one of NDN's best friends in the waiting room for my doctor and we exchanged numbers. I have to give her a call one of these days...

On Wednesday I ended up on another inadvertent date with DC-- the same guy I stumbled into a date with a few weeks ago. We went out to the same diner after class and once again, I swooped in to pay for my half of the check. Yes--despite the fact that the last time I did that he called to "apologize" for it half an hour after we had parted ways! In any case, this "date" was pretty much the same as the last-- I felt awkward and a little guilty for misleading him and a little guilty for not being attracted to him. He looked like he was struggling to keep the flow of the evening going and to keep conversation up. I was glad when it was over.

True to form, about half an hour after I got home, he rang me up. I didn't answer this time.

"Um, Hyde... it's DC..." he said. "Just give me a call back when you can. I want to ask you something."

I didn't return his call that night.

The next morning, I woke up at around 10:30 AM and saw I had missed another call from him.

"Hyde, it's DC again. Just wanted to ask you a question if you could give me a call back."

I was scheduled to speak at a meeting that afternoon and didn't want to walk into that with this unresolved awkwardness hanging over my head, so I sucked it up and called him back.

"What's up?" I asked, as cheerfully as I could muster.

"Um... Well, I had a really nice time the other night... I mean, last night. And I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me-- not to a diner but to someplace nicer."

Now I felt really guilty.

"You mean... like a date?"

"Yes-- a date."

"Um... Well..."

Now it was my turn to act like an awkward fourth grader. I'm so, so, so, so bad at this-- I can never say "no" to anyone. But I'm not into this guy. I don't have to go out with someone I'm not attracted to, right?

"Well, I enjoy spending time with you," I began. "But... Um... I'm really not available for that right now. I mean-- I don't want to mislead you or anything."

(Why can't I just say "no" plain and simple?)

In any case, as much as it made me feel like an incompetent adolescent, I think it's good practice for me. I have to learn how to maneuver in the dating world at some time-- without the lubrication of alcohol and my fake "Mr. Hyde" persona, that is.

On Thursday, after speaking at that meeting and teaching my class, I headed over to Playwright's to meet some of my fellow historians for karaoke. Bezoukhoff and his new woman, Medici, were there. I had a really good time. And get this-- I met another tattooed timpani player! It's the same bar where I met the last one. Weird, right? I also bumped into some friends of Anxious, which was kind of random.

On Friday I finally got to see B! He's back from the Philippines after having been away for about three weeks. We met for lunch on the Upper East Side. Afterwards, I caught up with NDN back at my place, and then headed down to Narc's. We watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics. I have a lot of thoughts about all that, but don't feel like getting into all of it right now.

Saturday morning I was booked to speak at two meetings in a row-- the first at 9:00 AM. I was absolutely exhausted. For the third or fourth night in a row I had only slept about five hours. It was good to see my friends at that first meeting though-- StarGazer and Meema and Slope, who I haven't seen in months! At the second meeting, there was a really crazy woman who said that she was slapped across the face at my home group. I have trouble believing that.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," was all that I could say to her about that.

Later in the afternoon, I went back downtown to Narc's. He was just getting up. We had plans to go to a magic show at 5:00-- he got the tickets. Before we went there, we wandered around the West Village and did a little shopping. We passed a crystal shop and both wanted to look around but were out of time. So, we decided to go back after the show.

The magic show was more "mentalism" than magic. It was kind of fun. Narc got called up onto the stage as the very first "volunteer."

Afterwards, we went back to the crystal shop and both bought crystals-- I got an aqua aura pendant and he bought rose quartz, a piece of lapis and a lemurian seed crystal (which I'm not sure I entirely "believe" in.) After that, I had the sudden urge to get a tattoo, but we were both starving. We walked towards Union Square and stopped in the Petco there because they had kittens and I wanted to see them. The strangest thing happened-- I saw two girls (looking at snakes) with gratingly familiar voices. A few weeks ago when I went out to Brighton Beach to see Anxious, there was a really annoying group of loud-mouthed people next to me on the subway. One of them spilled water and some of it got on my dress. Well-- the two girls in Petco were the same girls from the subway.

"Were you guys on the Q train a few weeks back going to the beach?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Do you remember you got water on a girl reading her book? Well, that was me."

"Oh my god!" they exclaimed, as if we knew each other. "How ARE you? Did you have fun that day, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, it was fine."

I went back to find Narc who was contemplating buying a Beta fish. (He didn't).

We ate dinner that night at Angelo & Maxi's and ordered too much food and saw Michael Phelp's racing on the screen above the bar, even though I wanted to wait until we got home to watch the games recorded. I still wanted to get that tattoo.

I had promised BigSis' friend AGrub that the next time I went for a tattoo I would call him (as he is strangely fascinated but to chicken to get one himself), and so I sent him at text. Narc and I walked over to St. Mark's and AGrub met us there at around 11:00 PM. He was just leaving work! I swear, those corporate lawyers have it rough...

I picked out my tattoo and gritted my teeth and squeezed Narc's hand. It hurt like hell, as it's on the tendon on the back of my left ankle. Afterwards, we went to Ben & Jerry's. But as I'm off sugar, I had to have some mediocre tasting ice cream made with splenda and felt sick after eating it.

Back at his place, we watched some more Olympics and I tried not to feel too sick and then we finally went to bed.

On Sunday I woke up before him, as I'm just used to getting up early these days. I went to Duane Reade to get the right kind of moisturizer for my tattoo. Then I got some coffee and sat down at his computer to do a little work. When he woke up, he asked if I wanted to go for brunch with his friend Steve and his boyfriend. We met them at Perilla in the West Village. It was a nice brunch. I really like Steve. I got to talk to him a lot when Narc first went back into the hospital last month. It did feel strange though, to feel like a "couple" with him. Being out with people I don't know that well, in that context, it felt different from how it feels when it's just me and him. Ugh. It fucks with my head.

In any case, after brunch, we resumed shopping. He wanted to go to the MoMa design shop. It was raining out. I bought a new journal at Kate's Paperie. We ended up back at his place at around 5:30 PM. I tried to get a little work done while he made us dinner. Then we ate and watched more Olympics.

On Monday I left there early so that I could get some more work done before therapy. That evening I met with my sponsee (who is struggling to get through her 4th step) and then went to yoga with my friend Drew. I bumped into another girl that I know in the yoga class. We agreed that we should get coffee sometime and try to coordinate doing more yoga together.

Yesterday I had to go out to Brooklyn to fill out some paperwork for my fall teaching assignment. It took a lot longer than I expected. Plus, I hadn't eaten breakfast, so by the time i left there (at around 2:30 PM), I was ready to pass out. I got home just in time to eat something, finish up my lesson plan (on Postmodernism and Post-structuralism and Deconstruction-- God knows how I managed to teach a class on all that!) and headed off to teach.

After class last night, I had dinner with Jake. He just broke up with his girlfriend of five years and moved into his own place about 20 blocks north of where I live. We had delicious kimchi tofu soup at Cho Dang Gol on 35th street. It was soooo good! He walked me home afterwards, I watched the women's gymnastics, and finally collapsed to sleep at around 2:30 AM.

Today I'm stuck at home waiting for the cable technician. Narc wants to go see Tropic Thunder later. I'm trying to clean out my hall closet.

I have a lot more that I've been thinking about... about life, about relationships, etc. But I just don't have it in me to jump into all of that. So, I guess this kind of "events" update will have to do for now.

Ok... now off to read what everyone else is up to out there in the blog-o-sphere!

love,
h

Starting over (again)...

I suppose I'm tired of looking at things in black. So...something else!

love,
h