Thursday, August 13, 2009

A Girl in the World

I haven't been blogging because I haven't had the time and also because I'm not in the sort of head-space right now in which I want to be thinking about myself, obsessing about my relationships or any of it. And, as I don't know how to confront a blank page without flooding it with self-obsession, I have chosen to remain silent. I do miss sharing my life with all of you out there, though, so I thought I'd drop in for a quick update.

My trip was amazing. It changed me in a way that nothing else could. I had to get out of NY. The conference went really well. I felt "a part of" the scholarly community. My paper was received with excellent reviews and I made some good contacts there. I was filled with ideas for new papers, for revising old papers, and I was suddenly motivated to be an aspect of myself that has long been dormant. I felt like an historian. I felt like me-- a me I haven't given priority to in a long, long time.

Then, there was Paris. Paris was... well-- Paris! My friends were so lovely in how they welcomed me. They are both creative, intellectual types and I met many of their friends-- dinner parties, long talks in cafes, jazz clubs. I felt like another self there as well-- a sophisticated, intellectual, independent, self-loving self. It was another me and one that I want to preserve so badly. I went on a date there with a Marlon Brando wannabe who picked me up on a motorcycle with a cigarette dangling from his lips. He was super cute-- an antiques dealer. Too bad he was also a narcissistic personality. I chose not to call him again. I want better for myself now. I am interesting enough to have a man be interested in me. He is not the only one in the room anymore. I also did way too much shopping, but felt that somehow it was also part of crafting this "self" that I allowed to emerge. I sang at a Jazz club and got rave reviews and was invited to return the next night. I sang opera there and imagined myself to be a singer in Paris. I could be. I could pick up and move there tomorrow and do just that. I am free. I am young and talented and smart and can do whatever I want.

In Scotland, I faced physical challenges. I breathed in mountain air and climbed hills past my comfort point, until my lungs burned and my legs ached. But I did it and I was thrilled that I could. It was part of my new relationship with my new body-- I am slim now (which makes it easier to climb), in shape (at least way more than I ever was) and I can enjoy that. I saw the majesty of the universe in the most phenomenal natural landscape I have ever seen. I took off my clothes and swam in ice cold mountain pools below waterfalls. I sang Tosca in the Cuillin Mountains on the Isle of Skye. I made so many new friends. I was a new self there as well.

And all the while, I was scared of losing it. What it would all mean to come back to NY, to come back to myself. The first week away, I was trying to get in touch with Narc and he mostly ignored me. It ate at me... gnawed at me. I gave away my power. Until I decided to take it back. I decided to stop caring whether he wrote and I decided not to write back to him until the very end of my trip. It was so liberating. I was so empowered. But when I got back to NY, he was paranoid. He called me repeatedly and tried to come up here and accused me of fucking other guys while I was away and being "dishonest like all women." I wasn't used to be talked to like that anymore...being called a whore, a liar, an asshole. And it struck me in a way that was shocking. He was just paranoid and scared. I can forgive him that. But I don't want to lose what I learned.

I did see him later that week. He apologized and told me how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But as soon as our tie had been re-cemented, he resumed his normal ways-- ignoring my texts when he feels like it, calling me drunk, demanding I come to him, and not volunteering to come to my place or accommodate my schedule. I have been slipping back and forth between accepting it as usual and fighting it. We are sort of in a fight right now, in fact.

Last night I was out with him and several of his friends for a few hours in the evening. A friend of one of his friends was there and I ended up talking to that guy, a poet, for a long time. We had a real conversation connection-- I really liked him and respected him and felt that spark of recognition of a familiar soul. How strange that I should meet someone like that through Narc. I don't know if he'll call me. I don't know what I'll do if he does call. But part of me is angry that I am pulled to ignore this possibility because I bind myself to the sinking ship of my relationship with Narc. I want to jump board so badly now. I want to swim away and save myself. But I fear that to do so would to be to turn and watch him go down with the ship and I can't bear to do that to him.

Being away I experienced a self not defined by drinking, by Narc, by my recovery, by my family, by therapy, by friends or any of that. I was a self defined by art, by intellect, by conversation. I want to make time for that girl-- to prioritize that girl. But I don't know how to do that without abandoning the Hyde that is all about love and friendship and family and relationships-- the girl who prioritizes and makes time for everyone else but herself.

I also have been struggling a lot with AA. Aravis-- if you're reading this post, maybe you could give me some advice. I would love to write to you about it in a longer email or perhaps talk on the phone. I really respect where you are and what perspective you could offer me.

Um... well, I guess that's it for now. I don't want to get too stuck in thinking about this, like I said. I am still in love with Sesame beyond belief and have been spending a lot of time with her. She knows me and loves me too and she also knows that she has her Aunt Hyde wrapped around her little finger. She is such a gift in my life. Who knew how wonderful it could be!

Ok... hope you are all well. I do miss the blog world. This is all I have for the moment.


PS: I dyed my hair even lighter blond and chopped it into a long bob. I love it. I also had to get new glasses. I don't love that so much.

PPS: I found a pair of diamond earrings on the street. I want to get them appraised. Yay.