Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Return of "SeatleGuy"

It's strange... I was just found on Facebook by SeattleGuy-- a guy that I was dating during the first few months of my relationship with Narc. It seems that he has been back in NY for a year and is in law school. Why does it feel like I knew him a lifetime ago?

(Here's what he wrote to me:

Let me guess, you're married? Do you have a kid? Do you still sing?

Well, I finally made it to NY, last year. Am going to law school. I just got done with my first year a couple weeks ago. There's probably a lot of things that have happened, but law school has absorbed every whit of my focus, so I hardly even know "myself" if you know what I mean. New York is cool, though.

Do you still go to the Irish bar? I forget where it is; near 50th? I hope you're doing great; you struck me years ago as a really deserving person

Nice message, I guess...

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do today, so no time for a long blog entry. Yesterday was a day of artistic creation-- I had a great voice lesson (once I got my energy going) and started my oil-painting class with StarGazer. We were working on a sort of boring still-life-- a green vase, a wine glass and some brown eggs. I want to paint Tudor style portraits of my niece.

The weather is strange here. It's chilly out, but damp and muggy at the same time. It makes me feel sleepy.

On another note, I want to paint two walls of my bedroom a bright red. But part of me is afraid that it won't feel cozy in there with such a bold color. Hmm... Guess I'll sit on that decision a while longer.

Ok...that's it for now!


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What a drag...

...that Adam Lambert lost.

NDN, Tamika and I are all fans. Narc was rooting for Kris.

Ah, well... until next year!


Monday, May 18, 2009

And so it goes...

MAY 5th, 2009:

It's still raining here and I can feel it in my bones. This is not an easy week for me. Today I'm thinking about 5/5/5. On Thursday it is the 19th anniversary of my dad's death. And on Saturday I'll have three years sober.

A lot is happening. I feel sad right now. I suppose I should be grateful that I can feel at all. I usually walk around this work perplexedly numb to the many things that "should" make me wince with emotional pain. I had a panic attack on the subway earlier in the week. I don't feel like talking about that. But again-- a sign that there is something there for me to be "feeling" about after all. On Thursday I met Narc and his friend Ethan at Cercle Rouge. After "drinks," we all stayed up late at his place watching "The Millionaire Matchmaker." I ate from the cereal box that I leave on top of Narc's fridge. It felt kind of crappy to have a third party there-- all of a sudden the silent dynamic between me and Narc-- all that I let go unmentioned-- was screaming for an explanation. No explanation was offered to Ethan. He probably didn't care. I'm probably the only one who cared at all.

On Friday morning the three of us ate dumplings in Chinatown. Narc said if his mom were a moral person she would have aborted him. I had my favorite bubble tea for dessert. We walked West towards the Tribeca Film Festival. I left the boys over coffee and headed to the Village to meet Hammer. Hammer and I hung out at her apartment for a bit. I was supposed to meet Meema to go to the gym later, but she flaked. So, oddly enough, I ended up at home, without plans, on a Friday night. It was not a good idea. I was super-anxious.

But, at last, morning broke and Saturday came. StarGazer and I got pedicured and went shopping. And after a prolonged silence, I finally caught up with Brick on the phone. Then I came home to get ready for my "date" with TT. Somehow I had agreed to try a proper date with him. Even though, I am fairly sure we are not destined for each other, I agreed to give it a shot, having explained to him that I am sort of a roller coaster and he can take it or leave it.

We met at Swing 46-- a swing music/big band supper club on restaurant row (not that far from where MJ took me out a few weeks ago)...


MAY 18th, 2009:

I started writing that post a few weeks ago, and as I'm in a totally different head space now, I thought I'd just leave it "as is" and move on.

I was going to tell you all about the date with TT-- mediocre conversation followed by some making out in the street that was sort of okay, but ultimately left me in neutral. Right afterward, I saw Narc. When I met him at BG he was reading tarot for two drunk middle aged, but scantily clad Russian women. He was of course, quite drunk himself, and proceeded to ignore me for a good amount of time, until I dragged him home and we had fucked up psycho-sexual sex (and some tears) that went on for a few hours and left me half elated and half disturbed.

The next morning, Narc and I had brunch with his friend Steve (an event that stretched on well into the afternoon), and I had to head straight to my AA meeting from there, in the ridiculous heels and little dress that I had been wearing the night before.

Anyway... TT followed up with the typical round of phone calls and texts, which left me feeling a little uncomfortable. (Guilty, maybe? Obligated? I don't know...) I don't think I'm into him, and I've known that for a while. Why do I keep forgetting the fact? In any case, we went on a second date to see Star Trek. This time, as it was a casual movie-thing on a Thursday night, I felt even less romantic and when he kissed me in the street after, I sort of just wanted his tongue out of my throat.

I had put a "status-update" up on Facebook, that I was "seeking a Romantic encounter with a text." Perhaps it was unclear that I was referring to a literary text-- a historical document, to be precise, but TT texted me to ask if he should do anything in response to my status update. First of all, if I did mean "text message," why would he assume that it was pointed at him. When I explained to him that I was referring to a document, he apologized for being "paranoid." Paranoid? Ug. That icky feeling of obligation-- where someone wants something from me, and I don't have it to give, was creeping up on me. Not good.

But all that feels like it took place so long ago. He has texted me and called several times since then and tried to make plans with me, but I have proven to be very elusive. I am probably sending him mixed messages. I haven't heard from him in about three days now, though, so perhaps he is drawing his own conclusions.

The weekend of May 9th-10th was a busy one for me. Once past the hurtle of my dad's death-anniversary, I had to deal with the emotional implications of three years of sobriety. The day before my anniversary, Hammer and I hung out all afternoon at the Sophie Calle exhibit in Chelsea. It was amazing. Afterwards I helped Hammer and the Alaskan paint long wooden sticks that are somehow going to be crafted into a chuppa for their wedding. That night I met up with Jake and his friends to celebrate Jake's birthday. We started at a Thai restaurant in the West Village and somehow ended up at a roof party at Astor Place. I haven't been to an old school roof party like that in a long time.

I eventually got myself home by 2:30 AM, as I wanted to wake up early to make a 9:00 AM AA meeting on my anniversary. As luck would have it, however, Narc called just as I was getting home. He wanted to meet me at Cheers, but I had to avoid the place, as TT had texted me earlier in the evening that he was there. So, I told Narc to meet me at a new pub down the block. He was wasted when I arrived and we proceeded to get into a nasty fight. I tried to leave, but the rain was coming down in sheets, and I felt guilty leaving him drunk and alone in my neighborhood in the rain. So, I stood in the doorway of the pub for what seemed like forever. He thought I had left for real and called me as they were closing up. I came back in and told him I had never left.

That seemed to end our fight, but it only led into more really strange sex. I swear-- it was like the old days with me and him that week. We were up until nearly 6:00 AM and needless to say, I didn't make the AA meeting. I sort of felt like shit about that happening on my anniversary. Narc and I ate lunch at Cheers. Sunday, May 10th was his birthday but I had to be on Long Island for Mother's Day. So, I wrote him a note and folded it into his hand.

"Don't open it until midnight," I said.

My note said something cheesy and loving and I don't feel like re-writing it here.

That night I headed to Long Island where I met up with my family for dinner to celebrate (at an Armenian restaurant in Douglaston) and then headed back to my parent's place to stay over.

Narc texted me after midnight: Just read your note. I love you!!

See-- this is why I'm so crazy.

Anyway... Mother's day was great-- BigSis' first time celebrating! It helped take me out of my own head. When I got back to the city that night, I met Narc, Mike and Steve at Cowgirl in the West Village. Narc is obsessed with their corn dogs. I hadn't seen Mike since my birthday party.

"I didn't recognize you, as a blond!" he exclaimed.

Narc was already tipsy. He had spent the afternoon drinking beers in Steve's courtyard. His friends took off and so Narc and I headed to Cercle Rouge for dessert. We had their amazing banoffee pie and the bartender there, an adorable French girl who knows both of us pretty well, took pictures. In one picture we were kissing.

"I'll put them up on Facebook!" she said.

(More potential Facebook drama...)

I was worried that she would tag me in the photos and that TT (who is a Facebook friend of mine) would see me kissing Narc and just feel crappy. Thank God it all worked out. She posted the photos on Narc's wall, but didn't tag any of them. Phew!

I wrote him a beautiful card and I think he finally heard me.

"I'll save this card forever and ever," he said.

I saw him put it in a drawer of his desk. Quite a difference from the time he tossed my Valentine's Day card in 2007.

We went to the Tavern before we headed home and then it was beautiful back at his place. Yeah-- it was kind of a beautiful night. It's the first birthday of his he has ever chosen to spend with me. I was angry and resentful and also "sane" at the same time as I was participating in our beautiful illusion.

The following week, I was mired down in grading, grading and more grading. I had one more strange sex night with Narc. (It was a Wednesday night at 9:00 PM when I arrived, but he was wasted.) Things were so (bad? awesome?) strange that I went into the bathroom and called my sponsor in the middle of it all.

"If you can be 100 % giving to him, you can stay," she said. "But if you can't, you should go, because you're only going to get hurt."

At first, her advice made no sense to me. I AM 100% giving, I thought. I basically am doing whatever he wants... am letting him do whatever he wants.

And then I had a new thought-- that letting him take from me is not the same as having something to give. I let him take all the time, but end up resentful, looking to have expectations met, exhausted, depleted, out of control. Just something I've been thinking about.

My sponsor and I met last Friday at the Hungarian Pastry Shop and then at St. John the Divine, and moved through steps two and three. I had a lot of reading and writing to do around step two and it really felt good. The only caveat-- now I'm back on Step four. Yuck.

I finally got the grades done for one of the colleges at which I teach. I went to the NYU graduation at Yankee Stadium to watch my cousin Jol graduate, and I had to grade papers right through Hillary Clinton's speech! The new Yankee Stadium is weird, by the way. It felt so clean that it was cartoonish-- like it was a Yankee Stadium built for a faux New York in Las Vegas, or like it was part of Disney's Epcot Center or something...

On Friday night B and I went for Filipino food and then to see Angels & Demons. His wife and the baby are out of town visiting family. The movie was pretty bad, but in a way that we enjoyed laughing about. On Saturday I met BigSis for some afternoon shopping and then headed off to Radio City to hear Leonard Cohen perform. My mom and I went together as we are both big fans. It was absolutely amazing. God presence. And maybe because I've been working so hard to find God in this world and in my life, the music seemed especially pertinent. I kept hearing over and over man's alienation from God and our efforts to re-find what is holy in interpersonal love or through song. But the "holy dove" will never be free.

On Sunday I sang in a recital that my voice teacher put together-- the first time that I've ever performed a Wagner piece! I sang Einsam in truben Tagen from Lohengrin. It was awesome. I saw Cherubino there for the first time since our "break-up." It felt good-- like there was something waiting to be rekindled. I hope that we can keep our friendship strong. Afterwards, I had a bite to eat with my voice teacher, Cherubino and another guy in the vocal studio. Then I went down to Tribeca for a double header of The Tudors with Narc. I am sooooo obsessed with that show.

This morning he left to take a course at some New Age institute in Virginia-- something that will teach him how to see things out of body and make predictions about the stock market or something. All of that stuff that he thinks about is a little beyond me.

But it's funny-- whenever we're apart he is suddenly very present. Yet, when he has me, all he does is push me away. Since he "left town" he texted me several times from the airport and called me once from the campus. He doesn't have good cell reception there though and I missed the message. I was watching the ultra-hotness that is Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber in Wolverine. NDN, Tamika and I went to the movies!

And now I'm home, and need to go to bed because I'm tired... and because I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

Good night!