Saturday, August 16, 2008

Over Dinner

Narc and I had a fight last night... Well, I don't know if it was really a "fight," but I left in tears.

My week had been going well. I stayed over Narc's on Wednesday night and then finished teaching that killer summer course on Thursday. I got stuck in a thunder storm that day, but almost didn't care. I have to take a French reading exam next week, so I've been reading short stories in French. I like reading short stories. It makes me feel a little cozy.

Later on that night, I caught up with NDN and Tamika. They left for Colombia yesterday for a nine day vacation. At around 11:00 I headed down to see Narc. We went to a midnight showing of "Mirrors." It was creepy and made me jump, but the script was just awful.

I left his place relatively early the next morning to meet B for lunch and to watch "Tropic Thunder." There, I laughed my ass off. It's always good to laugh. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon watching the women's all-around competition in gymnastics. I somehow managed to get through the morning without having heard who took the gold the previous day.

Narc sent me a text at around 4:30 asking if I wanted to go back down there for dinner. He wanted katsu don. I agreed and almost didn't mind being stuck in the rain again while trying to grab a cab.

Dinner was okay, but Narc was feeling bitter or self-pity or something. Several times he brought up people like Laurie or ModelChick or the Exhibitionist. He said he felt so bad for them, that they are heading into middle age and losing all of their market value and are going to end up old and alone. I told him that when he talks about people like that it's toxic to me. I told him that I don't and won't think of people as having commodity exchange value, and that I don't believe it's impossible for a woman to find love past 40. He told me that the rest of the world doesn't agree with me.

"That's not true, Narc," I said. "It's a choice. You can choose to live in that materialistic shallow world or you can choose to make real connections with other people who don't see it all as a market place. Both ways are out there. You are choosing to see the world through one lens and I'm choosing another."

"It's not about choosing," he said. "This is what my experience has shown me."

"Well, my experience has shown me something else. I think you just pick people who keep proving your point to you, so you can be right in your cynical despair."

"That's bullshit," he said.

Later on, we were talking about wishes. I said I wished for a house on the ocean.

"Tropical or northern?"

"Somewhere like Maine," I said. "I've always wanted to go to Maine."

"We should take a trip up there."

Wait-- what???

"You'd go to Maine with me?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

I didn't say anything. But maybe it's why I later brought up something that I probably shouldn't have.

"You wanna hear something funny?" I asked.

"What?"

"My mom said that she wanted to have dinner with us-- you and me. I shut her down on that one right away, though. Can you imagine?"

"You and I have very different types of mothers," he said.

"I can't think of anything more awkward."

"I wouldn't feel awkward," he smiled.

(That's a lie!)

"Well, I would..."

Suddenly, I felt strange that I had brought it up-- that it made it sound like we were a couple-- I didn't want him to think that I was saying we are a "couple."

"She probably just wants to meet my friends," I added. "I mean, she knows most of my friends and she knows I spend a lot of time with you."

"She can't have met all of your friends," he said. "What about Bezoukhoff? Has your mom had dinner with you and Bezoukhoff?"

"Actually-- yes. He came down to Maryland with my mom and me two years ago when I delivered a paper at that conference. Remember that? I can't believe that he actually came down. My mom adored him though. I don't know... maybe it wouldn't be so weird," I went on. "Maybe now that things are more 'normal' between you and me, it wouldn't be so strange-- like we kind of are normal friends."

"Things have always been normal for me, Hyde. You're the one who felt differently about it."

That really hurt. What was he saying? That there has never been anything between us? That I've imagined the whole thing? That he never had any feelings for me?

"What? That's not true," I said, defensively. "You've definitely changed the way you've acted towards me."

"Probably," he said.

I couldn't tell what he meant from his intonation.

"And anyway-- if things were always so normal for you and this friendship was always so normal, then why did you never invite me to anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Narc! You know what I mean-- you've never invited me to anything ever. You've had plenty of parties."

"Well... you don't drink."

"That's bullshit. I drank for two years of this friendship. Your Oscar parties..."

"Those are only for 'movie people.'"

"That's not true. You've invited other girls to those. And your birthdays..."

"I never did anything for my birthday except this last one."

"I know you went out for your 29th... you blogged about it!"

"Well, that was just a few friends."

"Whatever." I stood up, as we had just finished paying the check. "I'm just angry now. I'm in a bad mood. I mean, I can't not think about it. I think about the fact that you didn't invite me to your birthday every single day. Every single day it crosses my mind!"

I felt a burning feeling in my stomach-- almost as if I were going to throw up a ball of fire.

"Well, I don't ever think about it," he said.

"Yeah, I know," I muttered, bitterly. 'That's the whole point. You don't ever think about it. You don't think about my feelings... EVER!"

We headed outside and swung north towards the deli where he wanted to pick up some Ben & Jerry's.

"I don't know... maybe I should just go home later."

"Whatever," he said.

He was was walking a few paces ahead of me. Just then, as we were approaching Nobu, I saw a small crowd of people around a car. Some were taking pictures. It looked like there had been some kind of car accident. But as we got closer and were just a few feet away, I saw that it was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and little Suri. It was kind of surreal. We walked right past them and through the photographers who were crowding the sidewalk.

In the deli, Narc bought his ice cream and I got some strawberries. We barely spoke a word while walking back to his place. Once back there, I sat down on the bench in his living room and looked at my feet. I didn't really want to go.

He got an umbrella and tossed it onto the pile of my stuff.

"Here," he said. "Take it on your way out."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked.

"Well, yeah."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I think I want to be alone tonight," he said.

"Really?"

"I'm just so sick of people judging me, Hyde! You're just the same as everyone else. You sit there judging me all the time-- apparently judging me when we're not even together! You and my mom would probably get along just great-- you both apparently think I'm an awful person."

"I never said you were an awful person!"

Now I was starting to cry.

"That's not what I said. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that my feelings were hurt."

"Maybe I should just get rid of you-- just get rid of everyone. Start over from a total zero! You think that I bring pain into my own life. My fucking, asshole therapist says the same thing and blames me. Sorry I don't have a loving mom like you and tons of friends like you and some wonderful, loving therapist like you!"

I was kind of dumbfounded by this attack and felt like I had to go on the defense.

"I'm not trying to judge you," I repeated through my sobs. "And I'm sorry if I've been passive aggressive. I just have hurt feelings and can't get rid of it and don't know where to put it and just want to hear you say 'I'm sorry I hurt you.'"

"You didn't hurt me," he said.

(Did he misunderstand what I had just said?)

"You didn't hurt me, but I'm fucking sick of this shit! All of your snide little remarks-- telling me that you would never consider having dinner with me and your mom-- like I'm so fucking awful!"

That really surprised me.

"What? That's not what I meant! The reason it would be awkward to have dinner with my mom is not because you're awful. It's because our relationship is so undefined and so confusing. And presenting it to my mom would beg to define it. And I just brought it up to you because I thought that maybe you would share that with me -- that it's confusing... that you and I are going through that together."

"It's not confusing," he said, flatly. "You're the only one who's confused."

"You're not confused?!" I asked, incredulously.

"No. I'm not. I know exactly how I feel and I have never been confused."

"I don't sleep with my other friends, Narc!" I shouted at him, through my torrents of tears.

"So, maybe we shouldn't sleep together. That's what I suggested a few months ago, but you said no-- that the only way we could stay friends is if we still sleep together."

What?? Is that what happened?

I was so fucking tired and really felt like I was losing my mind.

"You really want me to leave?" I asked, meekly.

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Well, can I at least have five minutes to get myself together?"

He went into his bedroom and I went into the bathroom and heaved and sobbed and tried not to over-oxygenate, although I felt my face tingling and my head felt hot and dizzy. I washed my face and counted to 100 and then got up to collect my things.

"Okay, I guess I'm going," I said, leaning in the doorway to his bedroom.

"Okay."

"Can I at least have a hug?"

He came over to give me a hug and I clung to him as tightly as I could. He held me like that for three or four minutes.

"You really want me to leave?" I whispered.

"Yes, hon. Go home and get some sleep. You're overtired. And I want to be alone."

I turned and picked up my bag and the umbrella without saying a word. And I cried the whole way home.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a headache. I don't know what that was about, last night, except that this relationship is untenable and it has to give at some point. I'm tired and a little depressed, though and I don't really want to get out of bed. I'm going to try to get on my exercise bike and to do a little house cleaning today.

The good news is that Shorty is in town and I have plans to meet up with her and a friend of hers tonight. So-- something to look forward to at the end of the day!

That's it for now...

love,
h

3 comments:

Billy said...

Well, this makes for a sucky day. He sounded a tad immature last night. You'll get over it and so will he.

shorty said...

Yay!

We had a good time. Thank you for taking me to a few good bars and making sure we got home safely.

He's a loser. You are SO much better of a person. Morally and emotionally.

You are so strong.

You looked great too!

Don't let him ruin your days or nights. Both you and I are too good for that.

Vin and I had a talk the ride and we are in the exact same spot as you and Narc. We have to remember that we control the situation. We control OUR own actions and WE only let them make us feel this way.

I'll try to blog soon, but my daughter is on her way home and I'm exausted.

See ya soon! Plan a trip down here!

HistoryGeek said...

Ummm...okay, I don't know if I've ever suggested this, but that seemed like a classic borderline rage. It might be worth looking into the Borderline Personality traits and coping with them.

I know there is a lot of stigma around that diagnosis (and I really can't diagnose him at a distance), but if it's helpful in your approach to him then it's helpful.