It's been an exhausting past few days. Shorty's visit was great.
Earlier that evening, in a fit of anxiety, I sent Narc a text:
I'm sorry, I wrote.
About two hours later, he wrote back:
Narc: I'm sorry too. Didn't want you to leave last night but thought it would be better for both of us. Needed to be alone after our dinner at any rate.
Hyde: It's ok. I ate my strawberries and cried it out and got sleep. I was so overtired! I don't want to make you unhappy. I hope we're ok... :)
Narc: Of course we're OK, though I do think we should really start to consider if we should continue sleeping together...
Hyde: I agree. If we really are "just friends," like you say, then we should act like it. It's too confusing for me otherwise. I will have to see, one step at a time, what feels right for me. I still don't think I could handle you dating someone else. but maybe I'll feel differently in a month or two if we really do just act like friends... I will certainly try. I want to find a way to be in each other's lives pain-free...
Narc: From what I hear seems like you'll be dating someone else before me hon...
Hyde: Who knows... but it's not something I really am ready for. Anyway, I guess let's just take it one day at a time and try to communicate and I think we'll be fine. I love you.
Narc: Yes, we shall see. Hope you have fun on your evening out with your blog fan, love you.
Hyde: :) We're meeting at 8 in W Vill, so I better go get dressed. Talk to you later...
Narc: K. Can call later if you're not too tired.
In any case, it was interesting to meet Vin in person. I met them near the Christopher Street Station and we barhopped a little-- from the Fat Black Pussycat to Marie's Crisis to the Red Lion. My friend Drew came along. I had the feeling that if it had just been me and Shorty, we would have been able to gossip a lot more, but it was fun either way.
After she and Vin headed home, Drew and I grabbed a bite to eat and then went back to Marie's for a little while. We saw SingMan there-- a real blast from the past. Too bad Hammer is in France so I couldn't text her! I ended up going down to see Narc at around 3:00 AM. And yes-- we ended up having sex. Oops... maybe... whatever. I don't know anymore.
On Sunday I sat on his couch and we obliterated ourselves with television. My shoe broke the night before, so I couldn't wander far. We ended up ordering in takeout all day.
The past few days I've felt run down. I haven't been nearly as productive as I should have been and on Monday night I fell asleep at 9:30 PM. NDN is off in Colombia, but called me with some big news. Bezoukhoff is acting kind of weird and caused a mini-emotional drama for me, but maybe I'll get more into that later. I was grateful to be back at my usual AA meeting last night. Afterwards I had dinner with Drew and StarGazer.
Last night I had a chance to catch up with Liu on the phone. Later that night, I got a call from the Stallion! It was a little unexpected, and the conversation was even more unexpected. He told me that he thinks about me all the time-- that he can't stop.
"Um... yeah, we had some good times," I said.
It always feels awkward for me with him. We just don't "work" unless I'm wasted or high beyond belief.
"I'm not just talking about the sex," he said. "I think we really connected, H! I think that we bonded at some sort of core level."
I didn't want to tell him that I can't remember any of our conversations because I was always in a blackout. For me it was always only about the sex, and I was a different person then. I am not the girl he slept with back then. And he didn't even know her! For him, I am a projection of everything that is lacking in his current relationship, put up on some sort of pedestal as what he could have. Apparently his girlfriend doesn't like to fuck.
"What are you saying?" I asked him.
"In an ideal world, I'd tell Tiff that it's not working, she'd understand and I'd come to NY and we'd be together."
Wait... what?!?
"Are you serious?" I half laughed.
"Yeah... I think you and I would work. I always think 'what if...'"
"Well, you have a kid," I said. "And I'm not the same person that I was. And there's no point in thinking about things that way because it's not practical. I need to move on and move forward in my life and find the right thing for me, you know?"
He kept saying he was so glad that he called me and that he couldn't stop thinking about the way I looked standing outside of Barnes & Nobles the last time he was in town. He told me to email him a picture that he could use to masturbate.
Needless to say, I'm not planning on it.
But the whole conversation left me feeling a little empty and a little more cut off from everything around me and a little more confused about who I am and where I am going. I watched a few episodes of Oz and then fell asleep at around 2:00 AM.
Today I had an appointment with a new doctor. There's some stuff going on with me medically and it's going to lead to some big bills. I have to figure all of that out.
In any case, that's it for now. I'm off to meet B.
love,
h
4 comments:
Well, you were able to meet a blog fan? Cool. As for the other stuff, the Stallion sounds a tad creepy. Hope all is well and you are feeling good. I hate to hear you have to go to the doctor. Hang in there.
Yes, Had Vin not been there we could have been chatting all night.
I should have left him with his folks, he probably would have been more personable to them.
I just had to let you meet him so you could see our total lack of chemistry.
Drew is awesome as well. She's a talker. It's funny how most of us women are all going through the same dramas in life.
Back at Marie's...was it the piano players last night? I must know if I can lip read correctly!
Sorry to hear that Narc still gets to you. Wouldn't it be nice to hear the Narc say all the things the Stallian says to you. Hmmmm.
So it goes.
If you do plan a trip out here, I'll make sure no Vin is involved.
I hope you are well (or will be soon).
Me, I'm having a scratchy throat, so I'm resting today. I wish I had a settee and a fan so I could be really dramatic about it...but it's just me and my bed and my trashy novel.
Shorty-- he said it was his last night for two weeks, or something like that. He's not gone forever!
Spins-- feel better!
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