Town & Country

Just writing to check in and wish everyone happy holidays!

I am still pretty much immobilized, here at my parents house. The surgery last week went perfectly and I'm healing pretty quickly-- the drains were removed after four days and I'm able to get in and out of bed and shower by myself now. Even so, I feel like I'm in a fog and have been pretty depressed. It's only this morning that it started to lift enough for me to even feel like blogging...

As for the results? I am so swollen and bruised and stitched up that it's hard to tell where things are going to settle, but my stomach is, in fact, flat-- a fact that I can't quite seem to process. So... I will say no more about that.

My birthday weekend was a whirlwind. On Thursday-- the night before my birthday-- Narc took me out to the Russian Tea Room for dinner. It was fun to get dressed up. He asked where I wanted to go to eat, and I told him my only requirement was opulence and an old-fashioned decor. It was the perfect spot. We were there at midnight, as my new decade rolled in, and he gave me a really sweet gift-- a gorgeous quill-tipped limited edition Elvis collector's pen. It was really a cute and thoughtful gift. Better than that, though, he wrote me a card and that's all I've ever really wanted from him.

On Saturday I spent the entire day cleaning my house like a madwoman, trying to get ready for the party. Narc hung out for most of the afternoon, sometimes helping me. The party that night turned out to be a great party-- a million people were in and out and at some points, the apartment was so crowded it was difficult to move through. I bought a new outfit for the occasion and felt really awesome in it. But it was strange, too. Narc stayed for the party and invited his friends Scott and Mike. And my mom and BigSis were there and Cherubino and all of my AA friends. Narc and his friends left in the middle of the evening (to go get drunk, of course) and he and I got into a little fight about it.

At the end of the night (around 2:00 AM) the only people remaining were NDN, a random neighbor from our building I had never met, and my high school friend Farb (who I have only seen once since high school!) with her fiancee. Narc came back, wasted and he and I ended up having a fight and then make-up sex, but it soured the evening for me. Clearly, my attempts to pretend that we have anything resembling something sweet or "normal" will be forever thwarted.

He stayed over again that night, obviously, and stayed passed out for most of the next afternoon. I had to get up on four hours of sleep and head to a baptism in NJ. BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up. When I got back to the city at around 4:00 PM, Narc was still at my place and just waking up. We hung out and cleaned up a little and then he stayed all of Monday too, while I furiously packed for my two weeks on Long Island, and tried to finish cleaning up, making last minute arrangements to have my cat fed and Christmas tree watered in my absence.

Finally, at around 7:00, we went out for sushi before he put me into a cab. I was feeling so much anxiety. I didn't want to leave him. And I'm not sure if it's because I love him, or because I suspect he's going to go out and get drunk with his friends and meet and date some new girl while I'm gone.

We've only spoken twice since I've been away, but both times he has been very supportive and loving, especially given my depression. I miss him so much. I really do love him.

There's not much to write about concerning my stay here, since all I've really been able to do is lay in bed, listen to Palestrina and watch hour after hour of "Law & Order." Thank God for those marathons onTNT. BigSis has come over with Sesame a few times, but it's almost like torture because I can't lift her or hold her. On Friday, my aunt and uncle came with my cousins Jail and Jol and we all ate takeout Chinese and they gave me a belated birthday present. On Sunday, my parents helped me to venture out of the house and we went to see "Slumdog Millionaire."

After the snowstorm last week, the streets here have turned to sheets of ice. It's strange watching JBC and LilSis get up early to scrape off their cars. I'm so used to city living, where the streets are just cleared for you and the snow is never allowed to ice because it is trampled over so much that it turns to brown slush before day's end. Here, it is still sparkling white outside.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a headache and even writing just this much has exhausted me. I'm hoping to be able to come back to the city by Friday. It's so strange to be away from its rhythm. But I know I need to heal.

Trying to be patient.

lots of love,
h