Monday, December 8, 2008

Advent

I went with B to a "Lessons & Carols" service on Sunday afternoon for advent. Advent is for waiting. Waiting... for what? For everything. And "waiting" suddenly seems like a wholly appropriate holy idea. (Patiently.)

Anyway, I'm waiting, myself for a lot of things-- including my surgery next week! It's in less than a week. I'm nervous about it-- both about the pain, the anesthesia and about being removed from my life for at least two weeks. I don't like the idea of being away from AA and being away from Narc. I know it's terribly insecure, but I feel like something bad is going to happen if I go away. I am afraid of losing control.

Things have been beautiful between us lately, minus our fight last Thursday which neither addressed anything new, nor did it resolve anything old. On Friday night he came out to a party with me and met StarGazer and Drew for the first time. On Saturday night, I went to a Christmas party in Astoria and then came back to the East Village for Tamika's birthday party before meeting Narc and his friend Scott again at "Shades of Green" on 15th street. He and Scott wanted to stay out late, so I ended up heading home on my own that night at around 2:00 AM before I got sucked into Cheers for a quick hello to TT, ThursdayGirl, PumpedUp and BarMan. I haven't seen any of them in a while. PumpedUp said I looked "sexy" and ThursdayGirl was freaking out about my physical changes. It was fun to be out in a plunging neckline with my new breasts. Brick has dubbed them "Cecily and Liza." Don't ask me why...

Anyway, on Sunday I went to Long Island for a birthday brunch for my mom. She made omlettes and I was happy to get to play with Sesame. My grandpa was full of stories about WWII to mark the "day of infamy." LilSis and JBC drove me back into the city before I met B for the church service.

On Monday night, Narc and I went to hear a lecture on La Dolce Vita at the New York Film Academy. On our way there, I had us stop at the holiday shops in Union Square because I fell in love with an artisan's jewelry there and bought myself a necklace as a birthday present last week. I lost her card and wanted to go back.

"Maybe we can find a birthday present for you," Narc said.

When we found the stand, he picked out a ring, as if he wanted to buy it for me, but then became strangely passive when I said that I wanted it.

"If you're not sure, you can always come back for it," he said.

"No-- I think I'm sure."

He didn't make a move, so I did-- I ended up buying it for myself. Very strange. I wasn't about to ask him to take out his money and get me something, but at the same time, I thought that's what he had implied to begin with.

"If you want to gift it to me, you can..." I said as we were walking away.

"It wouldn't be a surprise then," he said. "I thought you wanted something sentimental."

"Sentimental doesn't have to mean a surprise. It could mean that we did it together."

I didn't want to push it though. I wasn't expecting anything from him to begin with, but it just all unfolded in such a strange way. I do love the ring, and since I bought it for myself, I've simply decided to enjoy it.

Anyway, I've been exhausted overall. I've been running around like a madwoman (as usual), not getting enought sleep. And I have to get everything done this week that I'd usually have another few weeks to take care of-- all of my Christmas shopping, writing final exams, planning my birthday party (and cleaning my house). Much, much, much to be done!

And there is a lot to reflect upon.

Yesterday I babysat for Sesame all afternoon. We fell asleep together-- me slumped back on the couch, and her- stretched out across my chest. Then, after AA, I met Narc and his friend Mike and some screenwriter friends of theirs out at Japas 38 for a night of karaoke. He told me to dress up, so I wore another plunging neckline. This is turning into fun. I had a good time, and I know that he was happy to have me there and even wanted to "show off" my singing, but at the same time, he kept taking smoking breaks with Mike and left me sitting there alone amongst a roomfull of strangers. At one point, I asked him to come sit next to me and he said "no," as Mike wanted to go out for another cigarette. It pissed me off, so I put on my coat and decided to leave. It was nearly 1:00 AM and I had to get up early this morning to teach. When he came back from his cigarette, he saw me with my coat on and looked confused.

"I'm taking off," I said, matter of factly.

"Oh, ok..."

He put his coat on too and we left together.

Things are sort of like that now. It's all for the better.

Later that night at his apartment, I ate half of my leftover cheese-steak sandwich while curled up in his pajama bottoms before going to bed.

I'm scared to leave for the surgery anyway. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I don't like not knowing. Maybe I'm just scared of being really slim. I don't know how to be that...

I want to learn how to make jewelry in the new year. The woman in Union Square has inspired me.

Ten years ago today was the night I was arrested-- two days before my 20th birthday. God, how I'm ready to be out of my 20's! I think that 30 is going to be the best decade yet.

Definitely worth the wait...

love,
h

In finem Psalmus ipsi David

Expectans expectavi Dominum et intendit mihi


Et exaudivit preces meas et eduxit me de lacu miseriae et de luto fecis et statuit super petram pedes meos et direxit gressus meos


Et inmisit in os meum canticum novum carmen Deo nostro videbunt multi et timebunt et sperabunt in Domino


Beatus vir cuius est nomen Domini spes ipsius et non respexit in vanitates et insanias falsas


Multa fecisti tu Domine Deus meus mirabilia tua et cogitationibus tuis non est qui similis sit tibi adnuntiavi et locutus sum multiplicati sunt super numerum


Sacrificium et oblationem noluisti aures autem perfecisti mihi holocaustum et pro peccato non postulasti


Ut facerem voluntatem tuam Deus meus volui et legem tuam in medio cordis mei


Adnuntiavi iustitiam in ecclesia magna ecce labia mea non prohibebo Domine tu scisti


Iustitiam tuam non abscondi in corde meo veritatem tuam et salutare tuum dixi non abscondi misericordiam tuam et veritatem tuam a concilio multo


Tu autem Domine ne longe facias miserationes tuas a me misericordia tua et veritas tua semper susceperunt me


Quoniam circumdederunt me mala quorum non est numerus conprehenderunt me iniquitates meae et non potui ut viderem multiplicatae sunt super capillos capitis mei et cor meum dereliquit me


Conplaceat tibi Domine ut eruas me Domine ad adiuvandum me respice


Confundantur et revereantur simul qui quaerunt animam meam ut auferant eam convertantur retrorsum et revereantur qui volunt mihi mala


Ferant confestim confusionem suam qui dicunt mihi euge euge

Exultent et laetentur super te omnes quaerentes te et dicant semper magnificetur Dominus qui diligunt salutare tuum

Ego autem mendicus sum et pauper Dominus sollicitus est mei adiutor meus et protector meus tu es Deus meus ne tardaveris

5 comments:

Charby said...

hope it all goes well hyde-y but what does the purple all mean?

Hyde said...

It's a psalm-- Psalm 40, I think? It's the one that Saint Saens set in his Christmas Oratorio that I have been listening to nonstop. The theme is patience (expectans).

"With expectation I have waited for the Lord, and he was attentive to me. And he heard my prayers, and brought me out of the pit of misery and the mire of dregs. And he set my feet upon a rock, and directed my steps. And he put a new canticle into my mouth, a song to our God."

It's a little dramatic and I'm not religious at all, but I do feel like I've been waiting a long, long time for what I finally feel has arrived-- my new beginning! It seemed apropos...

Oh-- and as for the purple? It's the color of advent! :)

love,
h

shorty said...

Happy Birthday and I hope you update me with photos of the new you!

I know the next decade will be wonderful to you. Just look at the last 4 years I've known you. You have evolved so much already!

You're an inspiration to many.

HistoryGeek said...

Hey, there. Good luck on the surgery. I really hope that it goes well and recovery is a breeze.

Chapstick said...

Happy belated birthday, Hyde.