In Bloom

I'm all in pink today and I love it! I remember when I was little and I read Anne of Green Gables, Anne wore a pink dress despite her red hair. Well, my hair is red (-ish) and I feel just like Anne this morning.

I had a nice weekend, overall, although life is happening (on life's terms!) and so even my nice weekend was infused with its fair share of anxiety.

On Friday I spent the entire day with Sesame. She slept in my arms for hours. She is an angel. And she gained a little weight-- she put on 8 oz this week, so she's up to 5 lbs, 15 oz.

Anyway, I need to schedule a medical procedure and am having some difficulty finding a date that will work with my teaching schedule. That was the first source of stress. My visit to the doctor on Saturday was a success, though. NDN drove me there-- all the way out to Long Island-- as he had some sort of medical conference to attend. After the appointment, I went back to my parents' house, spent a precious hour with my precious niece (before BigSis and Bro-in-Law left for his parents), hung out with LilSis, laughing at the kitchen table, and then tried to help my mom figure out how to rearrange the furniture in my stepdad's office. NDN came to pick me up and stayed for a while before our dreary ride home. No-- it was not his company that was dreary, but rather, the weather and our choice of playlist. There was a gray sky and big fat raindrops on the LIE. We listened to a "suicide soundtrack" that we made two years ago-- all depressing songs depicting people about to off themselves.

On Saturday night, my friend Drew came over. We ordered in Chinese and just talked and talked. Those gray raindrops had converted into a full blown thunderstorm. My windows rattled and the sky lit up with some very dramatic lightning. After Drew went home, Narc came by.

On the Narc front, he had a tough week. Despite his commitment (made in June) not to drink, he went out three nights this past week, including Wednesday and Thursday in a row. He ended up with several injuries and didn't feel good about it. On Wednesday night, he called me drunk from Bar & Books. He had been with CouchSleeper, but Couchy had gone home and so Narc was there alone. I got worried, given his medical condition, and didn't sleep well for the rest of the night. I called him several times and texted him several times the next day, but heard nothing back. So, aside from my kick-ass voice lesson on Wednesday, I spent most of the day riddled with anxiety about something over which I have no control. I finally heard from him at around 6:00 PM-- just as I was heading into AA. He and his friends were out and he invited me to join.

To make a long story short- he ended up picking up a $890 tab for his friends and drinking himself into obliteration. It's an unremarkable story except for the fact that it effects me differently. I feel differently. I worry more. I see it as so much more destructive. The further I am from being a "drinker" myself, the more insane it looks to me, watching others ingest some sort of toxin that makes them unable to walk, talk, remember or make decisions. WHY??

Anyway, I went down to him on Friday and Narc stayed over at my place on Saturday night. On Sunday afternoon, he headed home while I got a few hours of work done. That evening, I headed out to a yoga class. I had been invited by Narc's friend, the Jeweler, to join her for an invitation-only, kundalini practice in the penthouse apartment at the Trump World Center. I have never, ever, EVER seen an apartment like that one. It was mind-blowing. The yoga was pretty good too. I had no experience with kundalini, so it was challenging and a little strange, but I liked the chanting. There were only five women there, and we got to watch the sun set over Manhattan through enormous, floor to ceiling, wrap-around windows, while doing yoga. Pretty cool.

Anyway, I have to go teach in a few minutes, so I better get going-- am giving midterms today.

But I just wanted to note-- I have made a few re-commitments to myself in order to keep myself sane:

-Spend more nights sleeping in my own bed
-Pray and meditate regularly
-Take my vitamins and medications daily
-Continue to work on my apartment project
-Do my 10th step regularly.

As such, I have a resentment I need to write out. Nothing big-- just upset at my cousin who's in town from Jerusalem, but failed to give me or my sisters a call. We haven't seen her in 10 years, and it's kind of a sensitive issue, as that Jerusalem-family is our only living connection to our father.

Oh well... At least I have a tool to help me deal with the feelings.

Hope you're all well out there!

Lots of love,
h