I'm back from Puerto Rico! It was a great trip-- the sunsets were amazing; it was wonderful to be with my family; Meema was easy going and fit in well with the whole crazy lot of us.
My parents like to travel off the beaten path and several years ago, fell in love with a surfer town on the Caribbean West Coast of Puerto Rico-- Rincon. My mom is always talking about buying some real estate there. (If any of you have read my blog from the beginning, you may recall that I was there in Jan. 2005 with my family and Hammer). I think I was a little nervous about going back to the same place, given that the last time I was there, I was in the throes of alcoholic misery. But I had nothing to fear. All in all- it was a very successful vacation!
Meema and I decided that we wanted to get tattoos together, but the town was so small that they didn't have a tattoo parlor. We drove up to the Atlantic Coast on Thursday and found a tattoo place there, but couldn't get inked because to do so would have meant staying out of the ocean on our last day. (Sigh.) I guess we'll have to go together somewhere here in NY and maybe just pretend that our tattoos are Puerto Rican. In any case, I wore my bikini and felt good about it; I ate coconut (always a favorite activity of mine); I drove a jet ski and I went horseback riding on the beach. So perfect.
NYC was somehow so gray when I returned. (Has it always been this gray?)
I will try to post some pictures here in another day or two.
In any case, it was also nice to have a week away from Narc and dating and teaching and all the rest. He texted me a few times while he was gone about some horrendous case of pink eye, but I tried not to let it make me stressed. We talked on the phone once and he told me that he loves that new VH1 show "Tough Love" due to his misogynist streak. (Yes, he actually said that). He likes to see the women "put in their place, for once." I tried watching an episode when I got back to NY but found myself nauseated. I've decided not to become a viewer.
But worse than that, my friend Drew is going through a personal crisis and texted me every two minutes about some drama that she decided to increasingly complicate with her every decision, taking none of my advice. I am really frustrated with the whole thing because I"m worried about her and she doesn't seem to want to help herself. There's nothing more I can do except to ask her to meet me at a meeting. I spoke to my sponsor (Sugary) about it and felt a little better.
On Saturday, when I returned, NDN and Tamika and I went out for NV's birthday and then down to the village to another birthday party. They taught me a new word: "PUFFERY." I like it. (It reminded me of Narc, but they explained that it usually applies to the claims of commerical enterprises. For example, see "Custy's World Famous International Buffet.") I am going to try to find ways to incorporate the word into more daily use.
I'm trying to recommit myself to AA these days, as I have had several mounting resentments about stupid things. Sugary and I are going to start meeting regularly on Sundays. Also, I have been listening to Joe & Charlie and I love their calming voices.
The week before I left for Puerto Rico, Narc came up to my place drunk and told me all sorts of ridiculous thing-- that I am "better than a fairy tale" to him, his "one true love," his "goddess," "better than any novel," etc. I think it's really unfair of him to keep doing this to me, although I know that by allowing it I'm really doing it to myself. I asked him the next day if he really meant it or if he was just drunk.
"A little of both," he said.
"So, you do love me?"
"Of course I love you!" he said. "Like I haven't loved anyone. But who knows about the things I say when I'm drunk. You remember how it is-- none of it counts."
oh yeah...
I'm trying to forget all about that because I have a date on Thursday with a co-worker of my friend Jake. (I think I already told you all that in my previous post). I'm excited about it and nervous, because he's so "perfect on paper," but at the same time, I'm already starting to write him off because he's such a "nice guy." Why do I DO that? I really want to control myself and give this guy a chance. He has called me a few times, including to welcome me back from Puerto Rico-- he doesn't play games. Then again, I haven't even met him yet. He could be awfully unattractive, in which case all of this speculation and all of these nerves are pointless. I'm going to get my roots done before the date, anyway. All of that sunshine oxidized my hair and turned it redder. I want to go more blond.
I suppose that's it for now. I babysat for Sesame again yesterday. She is so beautiful and delicious and I just love her so, so, so, so much!! I love how she loves me, too. She is always excited to see me.
It still feels like winter today. When is spring coming?
love,
Hyde-- the world's most fabulous blogger.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Getting the Hell Out of Dodge! (via "Idlewild")
I'm getting ready to head to Puerto Rico with my family! My mom booked a ridiculous flight. We're all meeting at JFK at 4:30 AM. I'm just gonna stay up straight through.
I went to the hardware store to pick up a plastic squirt bottle for my hair gel. The guy who works there always flirts with me. He sold me a bar of soap by likening me to Cleopatra.
"Caeser will fall to his knees!" he said.
He says he's from the Dominican Republic, but I think he was an Egyptian in a former life.
I never wrote back to BottleRocket. I decided his email was a little gross and not worth my time. Jake is setting me up with a colleague of his, though, and I think there's some potential there. I saw Narc again. I love him and hate him and love him and hate him. I so have to break this stupid cycle...this stupid, stupid addiction.
I started reading "Variety of Religious Experiences" by William James and I downloaded the Joe & Charlie tapes. A girl can only do so much. Despite my attempts at spiritual growth, I'm still listening to Carousel and with half of my heart, seriously asking "What's the Use of Wondering?"
Anyway... I have to go finish packing, shower and then maybe hit the piano bars. The St. Patty's Day drinkers are out early. Gross. I've always hated people who drink on St. Patrick's Day-- even when I was a drunk myself.
I'll be wearing my first bikini on the beach in another day or two. It's hot pink. Wish me luck!!
h
I went to the hardware store to pick up a plastic squirt bottle for my hair gel. The guy who works there always flirts with me. He sold me a bar of soap by likening me to Cleopatra.
"Caeser will fall to his knees!" he said.
He says he's from the Dominican Republic, but I think he was an Egyptian in a former life.
I never wrote back to BottleRocket. I decided his email was a little gross and not worth my time. Jake is setting me up with a colleague of his, though, and I think there's some potential there. I saw Narc again. I love him and hate him and love him and hate him. I so have to break this stupid cycle...this stupid, stupid addiction.
I started reading "Variety of Religious Experiences" by William James and I downloaded the Joe & Charlie tapes. A girl can only do so much. Despite my attempts at spiritual growth, I'm still listening to Carousel and with half of my heart, seriously asking "What's the Use of Wondering?"
Anyway... I have to go finish packing, shower and then maybe hit the piano bars. The St. Patty's Day drinkers are out early. Gross. I've always hated people who drink on St. Patrick's Day-- even when I was a drunk myself.
I'll be wearing my first bikini on the beach in another day or two. It's hot pink. Wish me luck!!
h
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Howdy
In the spirit of TT, I have yet another suitor who likes to say "Howdy."
I went on a second date with the guy I had the museum date with. His name is BottleRocket. He just sent me an email in which the subject line read "howdy:"
Hey, that was fun the other night. I especially liked talking and walking and thinking on our feet. I think next time, however, we might want to spend a little more time kissing and less time walking and talking. Don't you think?
-BottleRocket
Um...what do I do if the answer is "no?" Does that mean I don't like this guy? I just don't think I'm ready. I slept with Narc again-- twice. God, I need help...
-h-
I went on a second date with the guy I had the museum date with. His name is BottleRocket. He just sent me an email in which the subject line read "howdy:"
Hey, that was fun the other night. I especially liked talking and walking and thinking on our feet. I think next time, however, we might want to spend a little more time kissing and less time walking and talking. Don't you think?
-BottleRocket
Um...what do I do if the answer is "no?" Does that mean I don't like this guy? I just don't think I'm ready. I slept with Narc again-- twice. God, I need help...
-h-
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Two steps forward, One step back...
Well, I guess I never got around to writing out everything that happened with Cherubino. The bottom line is that I now have a new sponsor. Cherubino went through a break-up and stopped attending our home group, going only to meetings in Brooklyn. For about six months, my program grew completely stagnant, as I only went through the motions. I was angry with her and it was a bad "break-up," but I think with time we will be friends again. I am going to re-work the steps with my new sponsor, and although transition is never easy for me, I feel like it's a real opportunity to grow.
As for the rest of it-- I made it 38 days without seeing Narc. The museum date that I mentioned at the end of the last post ended up being really nice-- the most promising date yet. However, that freaked me out a little, because, to tell you the truth, I don't think I'm really ready to date. I'm not sure yet whether it's good for me to push myself or whether pushing myself is just adding more stress and discomfort to my life right now. In any case, the museum guy wanted to see me again as well, but I ended up with laryngitis last week and couldn't date anyone.
In the meanwhile, Narc texted me on Sunday February 22nd. He said that he missed me and that he didn't know what to do. I was in an emotional head-space when I got the text, so I wrote back right away that I loved him and that I missed him too and that I was sad that we couldn't be together. I already wrote about all this in an earlier post.
We ended up texting back and forth all week long.
The following Monday while I was babysitting for Sesame, I sent him a text.
How was your Oscar party? I asked.
A few hours later I got a response:
Just woke up. Masturbating and thinking of you. Want to come in your mouth.
Well, I didn't know how to reply to that. So I wrote him something telling him that we couldn't be sexual with each other anymore. He insisted, trying to get me to call him to have phone sex, and I just didn't answer.
Several hours after that (while I was in the Gap with Sesame), he wrote again asking if I would have dinner with him. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I found myself in that strange mental blank spot, agreeing to meet him.
Only if I DON'T go back to your apartment and no talking about anything emotional, I said-- as if that were possible.
We met at Blaue Gans and it was as if no time had passed. All the chemistry was still there. I hugged him and he put his hand on my leg and everything felt so right and I missed him so much. The bartended smiled to see me and said she hadn't seen me in a while. I told him I had tried dating. He told me he had been drinking heavily and not eating because of it. He had a hole in his pants and was anxious about a particularly bad blackout the night before. I don't know if he intended to be manipulative, but it certainly pushed all of my mothering buttons. Before long, I was back in his apartment. He told me how much he loves me. I said it wasn't enough.
"I want to be cherished," I said.
"I'll find a way to show you that I cherish you."
"You can't, Narc. I want to be with someone who feels lucky to be with me."
"I DO feel lucky to be with you!"
"No, you don't."
We talked briefly about the whole cheating thing (which he still denied).
"Even if you were just flirting and getting phone numbers, that's still not good enough," I said. "That's not what I want."
"I guess I wasn't a very good boyfriend," he told me, with a sigh.
I think that's as close to an admission/apology as I'm ever going to get.
Obviously (as you all know me by now), I spent the night.
The next morning I had to wake up at 6:00 AM to get home in time to change and then get to teaching. He called me in between my classes. I'm too lazy right now to go through the whole conversation, but the bottom line-- he asked to see me again that night and he asked to borrow $200. He had blown through his monthly allowance on booze. For some reason, I agreed. I called him back a few minutes later to tell him I was uncomfortable lending him the money and he promised to try to borrow it from Mike. But I reassured him that if he was in a real jam, I'd help him.
That night, after AA, he came over. It was as if nothing had changed. We cuddled and said "I love you" and watched Obama give his State of the Union address. I loved sleeping next to him again. I should have known it was too soon to see him when I'm still so in love with him. But when we left my place the next morning, he told me that he had been unable to get in touch with Mike. We walked to an ATM, and I uncomfortably lent him the money.
On Thursday I went to meet him at his apartment and after having sex again, we went for dumplings in Chinatown. I told him that I felt addicted to him and that it was sick and that I felt helpless because I wanted so badly to be moving on. He seemed sad and said that he loved me and didn't want to not be a part of each other's lives. We spent the entire afternoon together until I had to leave for AA. He humored me by shopping for makeup at the MAC counter in Bloomingdale's and watching me try on sundresses at Old Navy. (I'm going to Puerto Rico in another week or so...)
On Friday night he came back to my place and spent the night again. It was the second day I had awful laryngitis and absolutely no voice and so I couldn't hit the town. He brought some DVD's and I felt cozy in my pajamas.
On Saturday morning he left early, as my mom was coming over to see my new pink walls, to see me try on my new bathing suits (including a bikini- yay!) and to pick me up to go to the opera. We saw an amazing production of Il Trovatore which, for some strange reason, in fifteen years of season's tickets to the opera, I still hadn't seen. I texted Narc twice that afternoon and he didn't answer me. I wrote to him again that evening and he didn't answer. I was feeling anxious.
By Sunday the anxiety had overtaken me. I felt stupid for getting sucked back in. I felt powerless and was full of self-doubt and feelings of rejection-- exactly where I started when I was pushed into ending it! How could one simple dinner on Monday night turn into a week of binging on his company, and end with the same feelings of regret and pain and shame and doubt and anxiety? I had the welcome distraction for most of the afternoon of Tamika's bridal shower. She looked beautiful and her friends made a really lovely tea party. But I knew I had to get to a meeting that night, and I'm glad I did.
My new sponsor has a lot of sponsees and they are all welcoming me with open arms. Many of them were at the Sunday night meeting, and one of my new "sober sisters" and I went for a long walk and chatted about it all. I also got to talk to my sponsor after the meeting, which helped to calm me down and gave me a sense of direction. With all of these feelings of powerlessness and "unmanageability," I am exactly where I need to be, re-starting step 1.
On Monday night, Narc texted me that he would be over at around 11:00 or maybe later, to pay me back my money. I was a little pissed off. I had spent the day grading papers, holed up in the snowstorm, and I hadn't heard from him since he had ignored my texts for the previous two days. I didn't want to wait up for him while he was out drinking with his friends. For all I knew, he could have showed up at 3:00 AM and drunk. And I had to be up at 7:00 AM to teach. So, I told him that he shouldn't come.
How about Tuesday night? he asked.
I'm busy, I said. But you can drop the money off tonight or tomorrow at your convenience. Just leave it with the doorman.
On Tuesday (yesterday), he called me in the afternoon and asked if he could come up and see me and drop the money. I happened to be home, unable to take my voice lesson, due to last week's laryngitis. I agreed to see him.
I felt that same mix of pain, sweetness, love, frustration, anxiety, self-loathing, love and love that I always get and I knew I had to give myself the space to get better. So, after spending an hour or two together, I told him that I needed at least two months apart from him with no contact. He was frustrated and pointed out that he would be entirely alone, as he goes days on end without talking to another human being and his only mode of interaction is over Jack Daniels. He had renewed his resolve to get off of hard liquor because he wants to finish one of his re-writes.
"Now I'll really be alone," he said.
Again, my buttons were pushed, but I stuck to my guns, only because I can see no other solution. It was so sad. I love him so much. He walked me to the corner of Lexington and waited in the cold until I could get a cab to my meeting. As the cab pulled away, he waited and waved. It was unlike him.
Yesterday was a strange day in other ways as well. I don't know if you all remember the story about the OldChoirMan-- my choir director from college. In any case, it's a story that I really don't care to recount, except to say that he left me pretty emotionally fucked up back then. I found out, yesterday, that he was just arrested for having a sexual relationship with a 15 year old high school student. He's in jail right now, awaiting bail. The whole thing makes me feel very sad. I can't sort through it much more than that. Sad.
Sad about that. Sad about Narc.
But here I am, another day, and I did what I had to do to keep myself safe in terms of Narc. Yes, I spent a week with him, but I haven't forgotten the lessons I've learned and I don't want to end up back where I was. So-- that's progress, right?
I'm looking forward to Puerto Rico. We're leaving on the 15th. My whole family is going and Meema is coming along for a few days as well.
Anyway, I should go eat breakfast now.
love,
h
As for the rest of it-- I made it 38 days without seeing Narc. The museum date that I mentioned at the end of the last post ended up being really nice-- the most promising date yet. However, that freaked me out a little, because, to tell you the truth, I don't think I'm really ready to date. I'm not sure yet whether it's good for me to push myself or whether pushing myself is just adding more stress and discomfort to my life right now. In any case, the museum guy wanted to see me again as well, but I ended up with laryngitis last week and couldn't date anyone.
In the meanwhile, Narc texted me on Sunday February 22nd. He said that he missed me and that he didn't know what to do. I was in an emotional head-space when I got the text, so I wrote back right away that I loved him and that I missed him too and that I was sad that we couldn't be together. I already wrote about all this in an earlier post.
We ended up texting back and forth all week long.
The following Monday while I was babysitting for Sesame, I sent him a text.
How was your Oscar party? I asked.
A few hours later I got a response:
Just woke up. Masturbating and thinking of you. Want to come in your mouth.
Well, I didn't know how to reply to that. So I wrote him something telling him that we couldn't be sexual with each other anymore. He insisted, trying to get me to call him to have phone sex, and I just didn't answer.
Several hours after that (while I was in the Gap with Sesame), he wrote again asking if I would have dinner with him. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I found myself in that strange mental blank spot, agreeing to meet him.
Only if I DON'T go back to your apartment and no talking about anything emotional, I said-- as if that were possible.
We met at Blaue Gans and it was as if no time had passed. All the chemistry was still there. I hugged him and he put his hand on my leg and everything felt so right and I missed him so much. The bartended smiled to see me and said she hadn't seen me in a while. I told him I had tried dating. He told me he had been drinking heavily and not eating because of it. He had a hole in his pants and was anxious about a particularly bad blackout the night before. I don't know if he intended to be manipulative, but it certainly pushed all of my mothering buttons. Before long, I was back in his apartment. He told me how much he loves me. I said it wasn't enough.
"I want to be cherished," I said.
"I'll find a way to show you that I cherish you."
"You can't, Narc. I want to be with someone who feels lucky to be with me."
"I DO feel lucky to be with you!"
"No, you don't."
We talked briefly about the whole cheating thing (which he still denied).
"Even if you were just flirting and getting phone numbers, that's still not good enough," I said. "That's not what I want."
"I guess I wasn't a very good boyfriend," he told me, with a sigh.
I think that's as close to an admission/apology as I'm ever going to get.
Obviously (as you all know me by now), I spent the night.
The next morning I had to wake up at 6:00 AM to get home in time to change and then get to teaching. He called me in between my classes. I'm too lazy right now to go through the whole conversation, but the bottom line-- he asked to see me again that night and he asked to borrow $200. He had blown through his monthly allowance on booze. For some reason, I agreed. I called him back a few minutes later to tell him I was uncomfortable lending him the money and he promised to try to borrow it from Mike. But I reassured him that if he was in a real jam, I'd help him.
That night, after AA, he came over. It was as if nothing had changed. We cuddled and said "I love you" and watched Obama give his State of the Union address. I loved sleeping next to him again. I should have known it was too soon to see him when I'm still so in love with him. But when we left my place the next morning, he told me that he had been unable to get in touch with Mike. We walked to an ATM, and I uncomfortably lent him the money.
On Thursday I went to meet him at his apartment and after having sex again, we went for dumplings in Chinatown. I told him that I felt addicted to him and that it was sick and that I felt helpless because I wanted so badly to be moving on. He seemed sad and said that he loved me and didn't want to not be a part of each other's lives. We spent the entire afternoon together until I had to leave for AA. He humored me by shopping for makeup at the MAC counter in Bloomingdale's and watching me try on sundresses at Old Navy. (I'm going to Puerto Rico in another week or so...)
On Friday night he came back to my place and spent the night again. It was the second day I had awful laryngitis and absolutely no voice and so I couldn't hit the town. He brought some DVD's and I felt cozy in my pajamas.
On Saturday morning he left early, as my mom was coming over to see my new pink walls, to see me try on my new bathing suits (including a bikini- yay!) and to pick me up to go to the opera. We saw an amazing production of Il Trovatore which, for some strange reason, in fifteen years of season's tickets to the opera, I still hadn't seen. I texted Narc twice that afternoon and he didn't answer me. I wrote to him again that evening and he didn't answer. I was feeling anxious.
By Sunday the anxiety had overtaken me. I felt stupid for getting sucked back in. I felt powerless and was full of self-doubt and feelings of rejection-- exactly where I started when I was pushed into ending it! How could one simple dinner on Monday night turn into a week of binging on his company, and end with the same feelings of regret and pain and shame and doubt and anxiety? I had the welcome distraction for most of the afternoon of Tamika's bridal shower. She looked beautiful and her friends made a really lovely tea party. But I knew I had to get to a meeting that night, and I'm glad I did.
My new sponsor has a lot of sponsees and they are all welcoming me with open arms. Many of them were at the Sunday night meeting, and one of my new "sober sisters" and I went for a long walk and chatted about it all. I also got to talk to my sponsor after the meeting, which helped to calm me down and gave me a sense of direction. With all of these feelings of powerlessness and "unmanageability," I am exactly where I need to be, re-starting step 1.
On Monday night, Narc texted me that he would be over at around 11:00 or maybe later, to pay me back my money. I was a little pissed off. I had spent the day grading papers, holed up in the snowstorm, and I hadn't heard from him since he had ignored my texts for the previous two days. I didn't want to wait up for him while he was out drinking with his friends. For all I knew, he could have showed up at 3:00 AM and drunk. And I had to be up at 7:00 AM to teach. So, I told him that he shouldn't come.
How about Tuesday night? he asked.
I'm busy, I said. But you can drop the money off tonight or tomorrow at your convenience. Just leave it with the doorman.
On Tuesday (yesterday), he called me in the afternoon and asked if he could come up and see me and drop the money. I happened to be home, unable to take my voice lesson, due to last week's laryngitis. I agreed to see him.
I felt that same mix of pain, sweetness, love, frustration, anxiety, self-loathing, love and love that I always get and I knew I had to give myself the space to get better. So, after spending an hour or two together, I told him that I needed at least two months apart from him with no contact. He was frustrated and pointed out that he would be entirely alone, as he goes days on end without talking to another human being and his only mode of interaction is over Jack Daniels. He had renewed his resolve to get off of hard liquor because he wants to finish one of his re-writes.
"Now I'll really be alone," he said.
Again, my buttons were pushed, but I stuck to my guns, only because I can see no other solution. It was so sad. I love him so much. He walked me to the corner of Lexington and waited in the cold until I could get a cab to my meeting. As the cab pulled away, he waited and waved. It was unlike him.
Yesterday was a strange day in other ways as well. I don't know if you all remember the story about the OldChoirMan-- my choir director from college. In any case, it's a story that I really don't care to recount, except to say that he left me pretty emotionally fucked up back then. I found out, yesterday, that he was just arrested for having a sexual relationship with a 15 year old high school student. He's in jail right now, awaiting bail. The whole thing makes me feel very sad. I can't sort through it much more than that. Sad.
Sad about that. Sad about Narc.
But here I am, another day, and I did what I had to do to keep myself safe in terms of Narc. Yes, I spent a week with him, but I haven't forgotten the lessons I've learned and I don't want to end up back where I was. So-- that's progress, right?
I'm looking forward to Puerto Rico. We're leaving on the 15th. My whole family is going and Meema is coming along for a few days as well.
Anyway, I should go eat breakfast now.
love,
h
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