Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Two steps forward, One step back...

Well, I guess I never got around to writing out everything that happened with Cherubino. The bottom line is that I now have a new sponsor. Cherubino went through a break-up and stopped attending our home group, going only to meetings in Brooklyn. For about six months, my program grew completely stagnant, as I only went through the motions. I was angry with her and it was a bad "break-up," but I think with time we will be friends again. I am going to re-work the steps with my new sponsor, and although transition is never easy for me, I feel like it's a real opportunity to grow.

As for the rest of it-- I made it 38 days without seeing Narc. The museum date that I mentioned at the end of the last post ended up being really nice-- the most promising date yet. However, that freaked me out a little, because, to tell you the truth, I don't think I'm really ready to date. I'm not sure yet whether it's good for me to push myself or whether pushing myself is just adding more stress and discomfort to my life right now. In any case, the museum guy wanted to see me again as well, but I ended up with laryngitis last week and couldn't date anyone.

In the meanwhile, Narc texted me on Sunday February 22nd. He said that he missed me and that he didn't know what to do. I was in an emotional head-space when I got the text, so I wrote back right away that I loved him and that I missed him too and that I was sad that we couldn't be together. I already wrote about all this in an earlier post.

We ended up texting back and forth all week long.

The following Monday while I was babysitting for Sesame, I sent him a text.

How was your Oscar party? I asked.

A few hours later I got a response:

Just woke up. Masturbating and thinking of you. Want to come in your mouth.

Well, I didn't know how to reply to that. So I wrote him something telling him that we couldn't be sexual with each other anymore. He insisted, trying to get me to call him to have phone sex, and I just didn't answer.

Several hours after that (while I was in the Gap with Sesame), he wrote again asking if I would have dinner with him. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I found myself in that strange mental blank spot, agreeing to meet him.

Only if I DON'T go back to your apartment and no talking about anything emotional, I said-- as if that were possible.

We met at Blaue Gans and it was as if no time had passed. All the chemistry was still there. I hugged him and he put his hand on my leg and everything felt so right and I missed him so much. The bartended smiled to see me and said she hadn't seen me in a while. I told him I had tried dating. He told me he had been drinking heavily and not eating because of it. He had a hole in his pants and was anxious about a particularly bad blackout the night before. I don't know if he intended to be manipulative, but it certainly pushed all of my mothering buttons. Before long, I was back in his apartment. He told me how much he loves me. I said it wasn't enough.

"I want to be cherished," I said.

"I'll find a way to show you that I cherish you."

"You can't, Narc. I want to be with someone who feels lucky to be with me."

"I DO feel lucky to be with you!"

"No, you don't."

We talked briefly about the whole cheating thing (which he still denied).

"Even if you were just flirting and getting phone numbers, that's still not good enough," I said. "That's not what I want."

"I guess I wasn't a very good boyfriend," he told me, with a sigh.

I think that's as close to an admission/apology as I'm ever going to get.

Obviously (as you all know me by now), I spent the night.

The next morning I had to wake up at 6:00 AM to get home in time to change and then get to teaching. He called me in between my classes. I'm too lazy right now to go through the whole conversation, but the bottom line-- he asked to see me again that night and he asked to borrow $200. He had blown through his monthly allowance on booze. For some reason, I agreed. I called him back a few minutes later to tell him I was uncomfortable lending him the money and he promised to try to borrow it from Mike. But I reassured him that if he was in a real jam, I'd help him.

That night, after AA, he came over. It was as if nothing had changed. We cuddled and said "I love you" and watched Obama give his State of the Union address. I loved sleeping next to him again. I should have known it was too soon to see him when I'm still so in love with him. But when we left my place the next morning, he told me that he had been unable to get in touch with Mike. We walked to an ATM, and I uncomfortably lent him the money.

On Thursday I went to meet him at his apartment and after having sex again, we went for dumplings in Chinatown. I told him that I felt addicted to him and that it was sick and that I felt helpless because I wanted so badly to be moving on. He seemed sad and said that he loved me and didn't want to not be a part of each other's lives. We spent the entire afternoon together until I had to leave for AA. He humored me by shopping for makeup at the MAC counter in Bloomingdale's and watching me try on sundresses at Old Navy. (I'm going to Puerto Rico in another week or so...)

On Friday night he came back to my place and spent the night again. It was the second day I had awful laryngitis and absolutely no voice and so I couldn't hit the town. He brought some DVD's and I felt cozy in my pajamas.

On Saturday morning he left early, as my mom was coming over to see my new pink walls, to see me try on my new bathing suits (including a bikini- yay!) and to pick me up to go to the opera. We saw an amazing production of Il Trovatore which, for some strange reason, in fifteen years of season's tickets to the opera, I still hadn't seen. I texted Narc twice that afternoon and he didn't answer me. I wrote to him again that evening and he didn't answer. I was feeling anxious.

By Sunday the anxiety had overtaken me. I felt stupid for getting sucked back in. I felt powerless and was full of self-doubt and feelings of rejection-- exactly where I started when I was pushed into ending it! How could one simple dinner on Monday night turn into a week of binging on his company, and end with the same feelings of regret and pain and shame and doubt and anxiety? I had the welcome distraction for most of the afternoon of Tamika's bridal shower. She looked beautiful and her friends made a really lovely tea party. But I knew I had to get to a meeting that night, and I'm glad I did.

My new sponsor has a lot of sponsees and they are all welcoming me with open arms. Many of them were at the Sunday night meeting, and one of my new "sober sisters" and I went for a long walk and chatted about it all. I also got to talk to my sponsor after the meeting, which helped to calm me down and gave me a sense of direction. With all of these feelings of powerlessness and "unmanageability," I am exactly where I need to be, re-starting step 1.

On Monday night, Narc texted me that he would be over at around 11:00 or maybe later, to pay me back my money. I was a little pissed off. I had spent the day grading papers, holed up in the snowstorm, and I hadn't heard from him since he had ignored my texts for the previous two days. I didn't want to wait up for him while he was out drinking with his friends. For all I knew, he could have showed up at 3:00 AM and drunk. And I had to be up at 7:00 AM to teach. So, I told him that he shouldn't come.

How about Tuesday night? he asked.

I'm busy, I said. But you can drop the money off tonight or tomorrow at your convenience. Just leave it with the doorman.

On Tuesday (yesterday), he called me in the afternoon and asked if he could come up and see me and drop the money. I happened to be home, unable to take my voice lesson, due to last week's laryngitis. I agreed to see him.

I felt that same mix of pain, sweetness, love, frustration, anxiety, self-loathing, love and love that I always get and I knew I had to give myself the space to get better. So, after spending an hour or two together, I told him that I needed at least two months apart from him with no contact. He was frustrated and pointed out that he would be entirely alone, as he goes days on end without talking to another human being and his only mode of interaction is over Jack Daniels. He had renewed his resolve to get off of hard liquor because he wants to finish one of his re-writes.

"Now I'll really be alone," he said.

Again, my buttons were pushed, but I stuck to my guns, only because I can see no other solution. It was so sad. I love him so much. He walked me to the corner of Lexington and waited in the cold until I could get a cab to my meeting. As the cab pulled away, he waited and waved. It was unlike him.

Yesterday was a strange day in other ways as well. I don't know if you all remember the story about the OldChoirMan-- my choir director from college. In any case, it's a story that I really don't care to recount, except to say that he left me pretty emotionally fucked up back then. I found out, yesterday, that he was just arrested for having a sexual relationship with a 15 year old high school student. He's in jail right now, awaiting bail. The whole thing makes me feel very sad. I can't sort through it much more than that. Sad.

Sad about that. Sad about Narc.

But here I am, another day, and I did what I had to do to keep myself safe in terms of Narc. Yes, I spent a week with him, but I haven't forgotten the lessons I've learned and I don't want to end up back where I was. So-- that's progress, right?

I'm looking forward to Puerto Rico. We're leaving on the 15th. My whole family is going and Meema is coming along for a few days as well.

Anyway, I should go eat breakfast now.

love,
h

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, there's no such thing as "one simple dinner." Meetings, conversations, even thoughts are layered and mixed with all sorts of conflicting emotions. I know you can sort through it all. Love you and thinking of you - Liu.

feitclub said...

It's not fair that Narc uses "I'll be alone" as some kind of charge against you. If he's alone, that's his fault, not yours. It takes more work to be lonely in New York City than it does to spend time with others. If he tries that again, call him on it.