A Girl in the World

I haven't been blogging because I haven't had the time and also because I'm not in the sort of head-space right now in which I want to be thinking about myself, obsessing about my relationships or any of it. And, as I don't know how to confront a blank page without flooding it with self-obsession, I have chosen to remain silent. I do miss sharing my life with all of you out there, though, so I thought I'd drop in for a quick update.

My trip was amazing. It changed me in a way that nothing else could. I had to get out of NY. The conference went really well. I felt "a part of" the scholarly community. My paper was received with excellent reviews and I made some good contacts there. I was filled with ideas for new papers, for revising old papers, and I was suddenly motivated to be an aspect of myself that has long been dormant. I felt like an historian. I felt like me-- a me I haven't given priority to in a long, long time.

Then, there was Paris. Paris was... well-- Paris! My friends were so lovely in how they welcomed me. They are both creative, intellectual types and I met many of their friends-- dinner parties, long talks in cafes, jazz clubs. I felt like another self there as well-- a sophisticated, intellectual, independent, self-loving self. It was another me and one that I want to preserve so badly. I went on a date there with a Marlon Brando wannabe who picked me up on a motorcycle with a cigarette dangling from his lips. He was super cute-- an antiques dealer. Too bad he was also a narcissistic personality. I chose not to call him again. I want better for myself now. I am interesting enough to have a man be interested in me. He is not the only one in the room anymore. I also did way too much shopping, but felt that somehow it was also part of crafting this "self" that I allowed to emerge. I sang at a Jazz club and got rave reviews and was invited to return the next night. I sang opera there and imagined myself to be a singer in Paris. I could be. I could pick up and move there tomorrow and do just that. I am free. I am young and talented and smart and can do whatever I want.

In Scotland, I faced physical challenges. I breathed in mountain air and climbed hills past my comfort point, until my lungs burned and my legs ached. But I did it and I was thrilled that I could. It was part of my new relationship with my new body-- I am slim now (which makes it easier to climb), in shape (at least way more than I ever was) and I can enjoy that. I saw the majesty of the universe in the most phenomenal natural landscape I have ever seen. I took off my clothes and swam in ice cold mountain pools below waterfalls. I sang Tosca in the Cuillin Mountains on the Isle of Skye. I made so many new friends. I was a new self there as well.

And all the while, I was scared of losing it. What it would all mean to come back to NY, to come back to myself. The first week away, I was trying to get in touch with Narc and he mostly ignored me. It ate at me... gnawed at me. I gave away my power. Until I decided to take it back. I decided to stop caring whether he wrote and I decided not to write back to him until the very end of my trip. It was so liberating. I was so empowered. But when I got back to NY, he was paranoid. He called me repeatedly and tried to come up here and accused me of fucking other guys while I was away and being "dishonest like all women." I wasn't used to be talked to like that anymore...being called a whore, a liar, an asshole. And it struck me in a way that was shocking. He was just paranoid and scared. I can forgive him that. But I don't want to lose what I learned.

I did see him later that week. He apologized and told me how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But as soon as our tie had been re-cemented, he resumed his normal ways-- ignoring my texts when he feels like it, calling me drunk, demanding I come to him, and not volunteering to come to my place or accommodate my schedule. I have been slipping back and forth between accepting it as usual and fighting it. We are sort of in a fight right now, in fact.

Last night I was out with him and several of his friends for a few hours in the evening. A friend of one of his friends was there and I ended up talking to that guy, a poet, for a long time. We had a real conversation connection-- I really liked him and respected him and felt that spark of recognition of a familiar soul. How strange that I should meet someone like that through Narc. I don't know if he'll call me. I don't know what I'll do if he does call. But part of me is angry that I am pulled to ignore this possibility because I bind myself to the sinking ship of my relationship with Narc. I want to jump board so badly now. I want to swim away and save myself. But I fear that to do so would to be to turn and watch him go down with the ship and I can't bear to do that to him.

Being away I experienced a self not defined by drinking, by Narc, by my recovery, by my family, by therapy, by friends or any of that. I was a self defined by art, by intellect, by conversation. I want to make time for that girl-- to prioritize that girl. But I don't know how to do that without abandoning the Hyde that is all about love and friendship and family and relationships-- the girl who prioritizes and makes time for everyone else but herself.

I also have been struggling a lot with AA. Aravis-- if you're reading this post, maybe you could give me some advice. I would love to write to you about it in a longer email or perhaps talk on the phone. I really respect where you are and what perspective you could offer me.

Um... well, I guess that's it for now. I don't want to get too stuck in thinking about this, like I said. I am still in love with Sesame beyond belief and have been spending a lot of time with her. She knows me and loves me too and she also knows that she has her Aunt Hyde wrapped around her little finger. She is such a gift in my life. Who knew how wonderful it could be!

Ok... hope you are all well. I do miss the blog world. This is all I have for the moment.

love,
h

PS: I dyed my hair even lighter blond and chopped it into a long bob. I love it. I also had to get new glasses. I don't love that so much.

PPS: I found a pair of diamond earrings on the street. I want to get them appraised. Yay.

To the point of exhaustion...

I haven't been on here in forever. I have had the busiest month on record-- teaching an intensive summer course (w/ a long commute), trying to write the paper for the upcoming conference, and a billion and one obligations to friends and family (including the Hammer-Alaskan wedding!) In any case, I'm leaving for a three week trip on Saturday-- to Cambridge, Paris and Scotland. I can't wait! But before I can get to the fun part, I have to get through the presentation of my paper which takes place on Monday, July 13th. Wish me luck!!! I'll be back to write more when I can. I'm giving final exams today which means in the next three days I have to get all of my grading done, put the finishing touches on my conference paper and pack. Man, oh man...

Hope you are all well out there!

love,
h

The Return of "SeatleGuy"

It's strange... I was just found on Facebook by SeattleGuy-- a guy that I was dating during the first few months of my relationship with Narc. It seems that he has been back in NY for a year and is in law school. Why does it feel like I knew him a lifetime ago?

(Here's what he wrote to me:

Let me guess, you're married? Do you have a kid? Do you still sing?

Well, I finally made it to NY, last year. Am going to law school. I just got done with my first year a couple weeks ago. There's probably a lot of things that have happened, but law school has absorbed every whit of my focus, so I hardly even know "myself" if you know what I mean. New York is cool, though.

Do you still go to the Irish bar? I forget where it is; near 50th? I hope you're doing great; you struck me years ago as a really deserving person.)

Nice message, I guess...

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do today, so no time for a long blog entry. Yesterday was a day of artistic creation-- I had a great voice lesson (once I got my energy going) and started my oil-painting class with StarGazer. We were working on a sort of boring still-life-- a green vase, a wine glass and some brown eggs. I want to paint Tudor style portraits of my niece.

The weather is strange here. It's chilly out, but damp and muggy at the same time. It makes me feel sleepy.

On another note, I want to paint two walls of my bedroom a bright red. But part of me is afraid that it won't feel cozy in there with such a bold color. Hmm... Guess I'll sit on that decision a while longer.

Ok...that's it for now!

love,
h

What a drag...

...that Adam Lambert lost.

NDN, Tamika and I are all fans. Narc was rooting for Kris.

Ah, well... until next year!

h

And so it goes...

MAY 5th, 2009:

It's still raining here and I can feel it in my bones. This is not an easy week for me. Today I'm thinking about 5/5/5. On Thursday it is the 19th anniversary of my dad's death. And on Saturday I'll have three years sober.

A lot is happening. I feel sad right now. I suppose I should be grateful that I can feel at all. I usually walk around this work perplexedly numb to the many things that "should" make me wince with emotional pain. I had a panic attack on the subway earlier in the week. I don't feel like talking about that. But again-- a sign that there is something there for me to be "feeling" about after all. On Thursday I met Narc and his friend Ethan at Cercle Rouge. After "drinks," we all stayed up late at his place watching "The Millionaire Matchmaker." I ate from the cereal box that I leave on top of Narc's fridge. It felt kind of crappy to have a third party there-- all of a sudden the silent dynamic between me and Narc-- all that I let go unmentioned-- was screaming for an explanation. No explanation was offered to Ethan. He probably didn't care. I'm probably the only one who cared at all.

On Friday morning the three of us ate dumplings in Chinatown. Narc said if his mom were a moral person she would have aborted him. I had my favorite bubble tea for dessert. We walked West towards the Tribeca Film Festival. I left the boys over coffee and headed to the Village to meet Hammer. Hammer and I hung out at her apartment for a bit. I was supposed to meet Meema to go to the gym later, but she flaked. So, oddly enough, I ended up at home, without plans, on a Friday night. It was not a good idea. I was super-anxious.

But, at last, morning broke and Saturday came. StarGazer and I got pedicured and went shopping. And after a prolonged silence, I finally caught up with Brick on the phone. Then I came home to get ready for my "date" with TT. Somehow I had agreed to try a proper date with him. Even though, I am fairly sure we are not destined for each other, I agreed to give it a shot, having explained to him that I am sort of a roller coaster and he can take it or leave it.

We met at Swing 46-- a swing music/big band supper club on restaurant row (not that far from where MJ took me out a few weeks ago)...

__________________________________

MAY 18th, 2009:

I started writing that post a few weeks ago, and as I'm in a totally different head space now, I thought I'd just leave it "as is" and move on.

I was going to tell you all about the date with TT-- mediocre conversation followed by some making out in the street that was sort of okay, but ultimately left me in neutral. Right afterward, I saw Narc. When I met him at BG he was reading tarot for two drunk middle aged, but scantily clad Russian women. He was of course, quite drunk himself, and proceeded to ignore me for a good amount of time, until I dragged him home and we had fucked up psycho-sexual sex (and some tears) that went on for a few hours and left me half elated and half disturbed.

The next morning, Narc and I had brunch with his friend Steve (an event that stretched on well into the afternoon), and I had to head straight to my AA meeting from there, in the ridiculous heels and little dress that I had been wearing the night before.

Anyway... TT followed up with the typical round of phone calls and texts, which left me feeling a little uncomfortable. (Guilty, maybe? Obligated? I don't know...) I don't think I'm into him, and I've known that for a while. Why do I keep forgetting the fact? In any case, we went on a second date to see Star Trek. This time, as it was a casual movie-thing on a Thursday night, I felt even less romantic and when he kissed me in the street after, I sort of just wanted his tongue out of my throat.

I had put a "status-update" up on Facebook, that I was "seeking a Romantic encounter with a text." Perhaps it was unclear that I was referring to a literary text-- a historical document, to be precise, but TT texted me to ask if he should do anything in response to my status update. First of all, if I did mean "text message," why would he assume that it was pointed at him. When I explained to him that I was referring to a document, he apologized for being "paranoid." Paranoid? Ug. That icky feeling of obligation-- where someone wants something from me, and I don't have it to give, was creeping up on me. Not good.

But all that feels like it took place so long ago. He has texted me and called several times since then and tried to make plans with me, but I have proven to be very elusive. I am probably sending him mixed messages. I haven't heard from him in about three days now, though, so perhaps he is drawing his own conclusions.

The weekend of May 9th-10th was a busy one for me. Once past the hurtle of my dad's death-anniversary, I had to deal with the emotional implications of three years of sobriety. The day before my anniversary, Hammer and I hung out all afternoon at the Sophie Calle exhibit in Chelsea. It was amazing. Afterwards I helped Hammer and the Alaskan paint long wooden sticks that are somehow going to be crafted into a chuppa for their wedding. That night I met up with Jake and his friends to celebrate Jake's birthday. We started at a Thai restaurant in the West Village and somehow ended up at a roof party at Astor Place. I haven't been to an old school roof party like that in a long time.

I eventually got myself home by 2:30 AM, as I wanted to wake up early to make a 9:00 AM AA meeting on my anniversary. As luck would have it, however, Narc called just as I was getting home. He wanted to meet me at Cheers, but I had to avoid the place, as TT had texted me earlier in the evening that he was there. So, I told Narc to meet me at a new pub down the block. He was wasted when I arrived and we proceeded to get into a nasty fight. I tried to leave, but the rain was coming down in sheets, and I felt guilty leaving him drunk and alone in my neighborhood in the rain. So, I stood in the doorway of the pub for what seemed like forever. He thought I had left for real and called me as they were closing up. I came back in and told him I had never left.

That seemed to end our fight, but it only led into more really strange sex. I swear-- it was like the old days with me and him that week. We were up until nearly 6:00 AM and needless to say, I didn't make the AA meeting. I sort of felt like shit about that happening on my anniversary. Narc and I ate lunch at Cheers. Sunday, May 10th was his birthday but I had to be on Long Island for Mother's Day. So, I wrote him a note and folded it into his hand.

"Don't open it until midnight," I said.

My note said something cheesy and loving and I don't feel like re-writing it here.

That night I headed to Long Island where I met up with my family for dinner to celebrate (at an Armenian restaurant in Douglaston) and then headed back to my parent's place to stay over.

Narc texted me after midnight: Just read your note. I love you!!

See-- this is why I'm so crazy.

Anyway... Mother's day was great-- BigSis' first time celebrating! It helped take me out of my own head. When I got back to the city that night, I met Narc, Mike and Steve at Cowgirl in the West Village. Narc is obsessed with their corn dogs. I hadn't seen Mike since my birthday party.

"I didn't recognize you, as a blond!" he exclaimed.

Narc was already tipsy. He had spent the afternoon drinking beers in Steve's courtyard. His friends took off and so Narc and I headed to Cercle Rouge for dessert. We had their amazing banoffee pie and the bartender there, an adorable French girl who knows both of us pretty well, took pictures. In one picture we were kissing.

"I'll put them up on Facebook!" she said.

(More potential Facebook drama...)

I was worried that she would tag me in the photos and that TT (who is a Facebook friend of mine) would see me kissing Narc and just feel crappy. Thank God it all worked out. She posted the photos on Narc's wall, but didn't tag any of them. Phew!

I wrote him a beautiful card and I think he finally heard me.

"I'll save this card forever and ever," he said.

I saw him put it in a drawer of his desk. Quite a difference from the time he tossed my Valentine's Day card in 2007.

We went to the Tavern before we headed home and then it was beautiful back at his place. Yeah-- it was kind of a beautiful night. It's the first birthday of his he has ever chosen to spend with me. I was angry and resentful and also "sane" at the same time as I was participating in our beautiful illusion.

The following week, I was mired down in grading, grading and more grading. I had one more strange sex night with Narc. (It was a Wednesday night at 9:00 PM when I arrived, but he was wasted.) Things were so (bad? awesome?) strange that I went into the bathroom and called my sponsor in the middle of it all.

"If you can be 100 % giving to him, you can stay," she said. "But if you can't, you should go, because you're only going to get hurt."

At first, her advice made no sense to me. I AM 100% giving, I thought. I basically am doing whatever he wants... am letting him do whatever he wants.

And then I had a new thought-- that letting him take from me is not the same as having something to give. I let him take all the time, but end up resentful, looking to have expectations met, exhausted, depleted, out of control. Just something I've been thinking about.

My sponsor and I met last Friday at the Hungarian Pastry Shop and then at St. John the Divine, and moved through steps two and three. I had a lot of reading and writing to do around step two and it really felt good. The only caveat-- now I'm back on Step four. Yuck.

I finally got the grades done for one of the colleges at which I teach. I went to the NYU graduation at Yankee Stadium to watch my cousin Jol graduate, and I had to grade papers right through Hillary Clinton's speech! The new Yankee Stadium is weird, by the way. It felt so clean that it was cartoonish-- like it was a Yankee Stadium built for a faux New York in Las Vegas, or like it was part of Disney's Epcot Center or something...

On Friday night B and I went for Filipino food and then to see Angels & Demons. His wife and the baby are out of town visiting family. The movie was pretty bad, but in a way that we enjoyed laughing about. On Saturday I met BigSis for some afternoon shopping and then headed off to Radio City to hear Leonard Cohen perform. My mom and I went together as we are both big fans. It was absolutely amazing. God presence. And maybe because I've been working so hard to find God in this world and in my life, the music seemed especially pertinent. I kept hearing over and over man's alienation from God and our efforts to re-find what is holy in interpersonal love or through song. But the "holy dove" will never be free.

On Sunday I sang in a recital that my voice teacher put together-- the first time that I've ever performed a Wagner piece! I sang Einsam in truben Tagen from Lohengrin. It was awesome. I saw Cherubino there for the first time since our "break-up." It felt good-- like there was something waiting to be rekindled. I hope that we can keep our friendship strong. Afterwards, I had a bite to eat with my voice teacher, Cherubino and another guy in the vocal studio. Then I went down to Tribeca for a double header of The Tudors with Narc. I am sooooo obsessed with that show.

This morning he left to take a course at some New Age institute in Virginia-- something that will teach him how to see things out of body and make predictions about the stock market or something. All of that stuff that he thinks about is a little beyond me.

But it's funny-- whenever we're apart he is suddenly very present. Yet, when he has me, all he does is push me away. Since he "left town" he texted me several times from the airport and called me once from the campus. He doesn't have good cell reception there though and I missed the message. I was watching the ultra-hotness that is Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber in Wolverine. NDN, Tamika and I went to the movies!

And now I'm home, and need to go to bed because I'm tired... and because I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

Good night!

love,
h

Cherry Blossom Gray

I'm heading out to see the cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens today. But the sky is gray. And it's only 55-degrees. I hope I don't regret it. Rain for the rest of the week. Ick.

-h-

Perfect on Paper Does Not Equal Perfect

Round two with MJ was not a success. Nope... Not so much. I didn't see him for two weeks or so, as he went home for Passover and I went home for another breast surgery, Passover and Easter. That was a nice weekend, despite the fact that it was difficult to cook and manipulate a 20 lb turkey without flexing any chest muscles. In any case, I got to see GoldenFinch and BabyBird and I spent plenty of time with the delicious little Sesame. Oh-- and my breasts are now restored to perfection. Yay! I hope they stay that way.

The following weekend I suffered a little Narc-related-stress. I received several drunk voice messages followed by crashes and incoherent mutterings on a Friday night and when I hadn't heard back from him by the following evening, I got nervous. I got so nervous that I thought he was dead. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack past midnight on Saturday. I texted his friends and was applying lipstick to head out the door and search for him (yes-- I wear lipstick on all occasions!) when I finally heard from him. He arrived at my house in a drunken state, issuing many loving and delusional speeches-- so loving and delusional that I can't bear to repeat them. He wants us to live in a house on a river where I can teach and he can write. He wants us to spend every night together again as if it hasn't all been broken. Enough said...

Anyway, the weekend after that I finally had date number two with MJ. He took me to the Firebird-- a fancy 19th century style Russian place where he said we could "pretend to be Romanovs." I was looking forward to it. I knew that I hadn't felt any sparks on the first date, but I was willing to give it a second try. Dinner was delicious and waaay too expensive. I felt guilty that he spent so much money on me. I arrived late and in a flood of apologies laughed that he had now seen one of my "character defects."

"I don't see any flaws," he said. "You seem perfect to me."

Up onto a pedestal I went. I don't like the view from there.

He ordered us a caviar course. I don't usually eat caviar. I was in a red dress with a plunging neckline and four-inch heels. I felt a little silly. I ate chicken Kiev for my main course. We talked a lot about our families over dinner. I told him about my mermaid-obsession. I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but he still seemed too meek-mannered and something was just "off" about our dynamic. I felt too powerful-- as if I might bowl him over with the sheer force of my personality. It made me feel clumsy somehow. Again-- I didn't like it.

After dinner, we walked down the block to "Don't Tell Mama's"-- the renowned theater district piano bar. There were no tables available in the main room, so we sat in a lounge off the main entrance until our table would be ready. I went to procure us some diet cokes. When I came back, he was still looking at me with that dreamy, strange look on his face- as if he wanted something from me that I couldn't deliver. I decided to probe a little further.

"Do you have a wild side?" I asked.

"I don't really know what you mean by that."

"You know-- that little spark that gets lit up-- for me it's a nocturnal thing."

I didn't know how to articulate it.

"I've been known to have a few drinks, if that's what you mean," he said.

That's not what I meant. We were on different wave-lengths.

He told me that he had died his hair green once in high school. I laughed and asked if he had used "Manic Panic." And he told me that he had a self-mutilating phase.

"What? You did???"

"Hasn't everyone?" he said, in that same quiet, somber tone.

"Um... I guess."

He suddenly seemed very sad to me. I told him so.

"I'm not sad. I'm quite happy," he said.

But I didn't believe him.

After a period of silence, he tried to fill in the gap. Clearly, he felt awkward.

"My mind is a blank," he told me. "You make me nervous."

"Really? I thought that the silence just meant we were both content."

"You're a very intimidating woman, Hyde."

"I am?"

I don't want to be an intimidating woman. I want a boy with that spark.

In any case, we finally were seated in the main room, right up close near the pianist. I thought the pianist was cute, but he had the same first name at Narc, which somehow made me feel sad, frustrated and mad at myself all at the same time. MJ tried to take my hand. It lay there like a limp fish. I clearly felt awkward.

"I love your hands," he said, as if needing an explanation for his move.

"Thanks."

We resumed watching the very mediocre performance unfolding on the small platform stage in front of us. It was an open-mic night, so I untangled myself from the uncomfortable hand-hold and requested a song-- Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man of Mine-- a safe and sturdy choice for me. The pianist played about three keys too low, but it was fine. I tried not to look at MJ while I sang, but I caught his eye once or twice all the same.

At around 1:00 AM, I yawned and told him that I wanted to head home.

"I'll take a cab," I told him.

"I'll ride with you!" he volunteered.

"Aren't you going to Brooklyn?"

"Yeah, but we can make two stops."

I moved to the farthest corner of the cab. The bag of leftover food perched on the middle seat between us. He placed it onto the floor and took my hand again.

"Your office is near here, right?" I said, distracting myself from the feeling that I had been invaded.

Then something awful happened. He awkwardly lifted himself off the seat and came towards me in what seemed like slow motion. It was an obligatory kiss. I didn't want to be kissing him. I felt like he was playing out his own script and I wasn't event here.

"I had to do that," he said.

I hated it, but smiled.

As luck would have it, he did it again before the cab pulled up to my corner. I just wanted to get out of the car.

"Can I call you to go out again?" he asked.

"Oh- um, yeah...sure! Call me tomorrow. Thanks for dinner!"

I raced out of there, tottering along the uneven sidewalk in my super-high-heels.

TT had texted me earlier in the evening that he was at Cheers. He works in television and had gotten a hold of several extra-large Elvis poster-boards. They were being held in the Cheers basement. He asked if I wanted to come by and pick them up. I just wanted to see a familiar face, to be defined by a familiar gaze to restore normalcy. He was tipsy when I arrived, but his face lit up to see me.

"Hyde!"

"I need a hug," I whined.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I'm an asshole. I just feel like an asshole," I said.

I was confused and felt guilty and disappointed and somehow robbed of myself all at once.

He locked me into an embrace.

"You're not an asshole," he said. "You're Hyde, my friend and a very special woman."

"Thanks."

"Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"I don't know... I was on a date... I didn't want to be on the date at some point. I mean, I did, but I didn't want to be kissed. And somehow, I kissed him anyway. I just feel guilty and terrible and like I'm making mistakes left and right."

TT seemed surprised that I was dating. He decided to make his play.

"You know how I feel about you," he said. "I could fall in love with you so easily... so easily. I would love to take you on a proper date. I think we could have something really real between us."

I just looked at him.

"I don't want to confuse you any more," he went on. "But I don't want to miss my chance either. Do you want to go outside and talk about it?"

We went out into the streetlight. I was still standing with my hands around his neck. He continued to make his case. I didn't know what to do or say.

"We're both in a different place than we were years ago... better places. I mean, I know how much you've changed. I thought you were great then and I think you're great now. I just want to keep you safe," he said.

I didn't know how to respond, so I kissed him. Then I kissed him again.

"What do you think, Hyde?"

"I don't know. I need some time to clear my head. Just give me a call tomorrow."

He went into the bar to get me my Elvis pictures and then walked me home.

I couldn't sleep a wink that night. A third of my brain wondered where Narc was and what he was doing. The next morning I had to be up early for a follow-up with the plastic surgeon on Long Island. I was unbearably tired. When I got back to the city, I fell asleep for a three hour nap. Upon awakening, I had two voice mails-- one from MJ and one from TT. Guess I set that one up. I didn't bother to answer either of them. Instead, I got dressed to meet my friend Drew in Tribeca for dinner and an "Annie Sing-Along" at the new branch of the 92nd street Y on Hudson Street. Narc had sent me a text so I stopped off to see him for a drink before finding Drew, as I was meeting her in his neighborhood.

"I wish it didn't have to be this way between us," I said. I was bursting with wanting to tell him things that there is no point in telling.

"I just don't know if you and I are in the cards," he replied.

"Yes, you do. We're not in the cards."

"I don't know, Hyde... That's all in the future."

"The future is where I'm trying to go."

I was glad to get away from him and to have a nice girls chat with Drew over a big bowl of pasta. The Annie Sing-Along was great as well-- just what I needed. I sang and danced in the street on my way back to Narc's that night.

By the next day, I had received another text message from MJ and several from TT.

I'm getting nervous. I must have really freaked you out, TT wrote.

I called him back right before my Sunday night AA meeting. I tried to be truthful.

"I'm not entirely over that other guy," I said (Narc, of course). "And I don't know what you expect from me by 'going on a proper date.' I don't want to drag you on an emotional roller-coaster with me when I don't know what I want."

"I'm willing to take the risk," he said. "I don't want to lose my chance. I'd rather you take me on that roller coaster than some other guy."

"Give me a few days to think about all of this," I said.

Narc was supposed to come to my place after AA. We had spent the morning looking for his favorite ducks at Battery Park and had agreed to meet up later. However, when I texted him about it, he told me that he was going for drinks with CouchSleeper and the boys, as Couchy had just come back from Ireland. I felt blown off and powerless.

Here's how it went down:

Hyde: Are you blowing me off? Our plan was for 9-ish

Narc: Was just going out for a little bit, really want to see Couchy, can still meet you later, though how late are you up?

Hyde: I don't want to wait up for you. I don't like the feeling. I'll just see you some other time. But seriously, I thought we had plans...

At that point he called me and I told him only to come if he could come before 11:00 PM. He agreed. In the meanwhile, I went down to NDN and Tamika's apartment and ate dinner with them and NDN's friend, RDN. They made fettuccine with clam sauce and NDN's famous garlic bread. Yum.

At 11:00 PM, not having heard from him, I sent him another text: ?? On your way?

No response.

Hyde (11:22): You are inconsiderate of me. I hate being treated this way

Narc (11:32): I was just heading off!! Taking forever to get check, figuring it out... If you're to bed soon though I can just head home, get up early and run

Hyde: You were supposed to be here before 11

Narc: I know I know, was trying to get out. Leaving in few but think I'll just go home. Closer and really want to get up and run etc.

Hyde: Just leave me alone.

Narc: (11:53) Heading off.

On Monday, after therapy I set off to babysit Sesame. In the middle of our playtime, I got another message from MJ. (He had also sent me an email at some point over the weekend.)

MJ: Hey Hyde, Are you having a good Monday? Everything go ok at the doctor and at Annie?

I took a while before answering, but I finally wrote back: Weekend was good. Hope yours was too! Had a great time & we def have a lot in common. But I'm just not feeling the right connection as far as a relationship.

MJ: That's terrible! Mind if I ask what u don't see in me?

I didn't answer. About an hour later, I got another text from him:

Sorry, better you don't answer I guess. U seemed perfect to me and my soul felt like it died at your text. I wish you had given me a chance to not be nervous with you. I'm sorry.

All I can say is-- HIGH DRAMA! It never would have worked out.

Meanwhile, Narc and I hadn't spoken all day. On Tuesday morning I noticed that he posted on his facebook page that he was planning to see a movie that afternoon that we had agreed to see together. So, I left him a comment-- "Weren't you going to wait for me?"

"Thought you had 'Idol night' with NDN and Tamika, " he responded.

"Whatever..." I wrote.

Then our little tiff shifted to text.

Narc: If you really want to see Anvil I will wait, just didn't think I was going to see you for a week or what not.

Hyde: I just feel like we said we were going to see it and you are just going to blow me off again. It makes me feel rotten and sad and not worth much to you.

Narc: I said I wanted to see it in the next couple of days, and that was several days ago. I know you're always into scheduling and planning everything out, etc. but sometimes I feel like being spontaneous and just going to see a movie. If you want to see it, when are you free next?

Hyde: Do what you will. I am too upset to attempt to figure this out. My feelings were really hurt on Sunday and you never apologized. We are on different planets.

When I got home that afternoon, I had a lengthy email from him:

So let me see if I understand this... I told you I was going to see you on Sunday, and I was. My impression was that you, after AA (around 8:30), were heading home to, I don't know, "do other stuff / mellow out / relax / whatever", and that you weren't expecting me until a bit later, like 10-ish. If I'd known you were expecting me IMMEDIATELY after AA, at 8:30, I would have gone straight from M's place to yours, as it was only 15 blocks straight up. But, because we wrapped early at M's, and I thought I had about an hour to kill, and because CouchSleeper, one of my best friends, had just gotten back into town after SIX MONTHS away and wanted to see Mike and myself a for a little bit, I thought I would see him, and then go to see you. We all met, I iterated right up front that I couldn't stay out long because I was heading off to see you around 10, and CouchSleeper said that was fine, as he was jetlagged all to hell and didn't want to be out for more than an hour or so anyway. So we had a couple of pints, and attempted to get our check (which happened rather slower than I would've thought, but still, we finally got it), and off I was, about to head to you, when--

And let me see if I have this now...

You. Hyde. Hyde -----------. Gave me grief. Because... I was: "late".

You. Really. Of all the people in the world. Were upset... Because, though I kept my plans with you (despite the fact that everyone ended up trying to keep me out later anyway), I ended up running 45 minutes over. Seriously. You. Upset at me. For being late.

You see where I'm going with this? Because really--

That. Is. So. Fucking. Funny.

Tell you what Hyde--from now on, I'll just stop talking to you every time you're late, and we'll see how far we get with all that. What do you say? Given the fact that you run anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes late EVERY SINGLE TIME I see you, I'm thinking we're looking at a lot of "Leave me alone, don't talk to me" responses from me from now on.

Sound good?

Narc

I guess I pissed him off. So I wrote back:

Oh, Narc...

I don't want to be in a fight with you. I hope you don't want to stay mad at me.

I wasn't mad because you were late. I was upset because I felt rejected & blown off. A simple "I'm sorry" would probably have made me feel better. I just felt dispensable and taken for granted.

In any case-- I'm sorry if I overreacted, but maybe I'm just sensitive in general when it comes to our relationship. It's hard to deal with the toxic feelings of mistrust and rejection that I shove down all the time. I know that I either need to find a way to live with these feelings or cut things off with you. I go over and over this issue in my mind and it always runs in the same circle. I feel like shit, and so much of what has happened is emotionally unbearable for me, but I love you and want you somehow in my life. So, I'm trying to bear it. I'm still trying to live with these feelings but it hurts and yes-- probably makes me overly sensitive. I hope you can understand all of that and act with some compassion and largess towards me when these things arise. This had nothing to do with lateness. It had to do with the fact that I feel rejected by you, who I love so very much.

It is what it is. You are who you are and I am who I am. Let's just let it go.

h

And finally from him:

I'm sorry. I'm sure I overreacted as well--I'm just sick and tired of all the drama, and am, really, looking for a drama-free life at this point (or at least as much as I can manage). Am sure we can probably put this behind us.

Narc

Later that night he sent me a text: Haven't watched Tudors yet if you want to watch it together.

Hyde: Yes, want to watch it with you. Just got home and am making spaghetti. Got your mail. Sorry I bring drama. I also bring love. Love you...

I ended up staying at his place that night and we made vague plans to go see "Anvil" (the movie) on Thursday. There were two shows-- an 11:00 AM and a 1:00 PM.

Needless to say, when I called him Wednesday night to figure out the details, I couldn't get a hold of him. Then all day on Thursday he didn't answer any of my calls or texts until 5:00 PM when he wrote:

Hey, just got up little while ago., Couldn't get to sleep until like 6 AM! Then slept in all day...Ugh...

I think it's complete and utter bullshit. I haven't spoken to him since but I really am so sick of this. I'm sick of boys in general. I want to give dating a rest for a little while and just do something else-- my school work, for example. And I want to start painting again. The only time I ever truly feel like myself is the one hour a week in my voice lesson. I want to make that bigger.

I did have a nice day yesterday even with Narc blowing me off. I met Pixie in the afternoon and we walked through Central Park and I ate a snowcone and declared that the statue of Robert Burns was my boyfriend. She said she prefers Walter Scott across the way. We watched "Thoth" singing under the bridge by the fountain. He has some new female protege. Afterwards I met Drew and we went to the gym, to our AA meeting and then all of us out to the diner. We ended up sitting with that guy I sort of dated last summer from my home group (although it was really more like a series of "non-dates.") He said that he wants to memorize the last speech given by Archbishop Romero of El Salvador, in Spanish, and recite it at the next AA talent show. I love being surrounded by interesting people. For a brief moment, I really appreciated my life-- here... in NY City... young and energetic and financially secure and totally free. I have complete freedom. I'm lucky that way.

In the meanwhile, I got another email from MJ:

I saw this and thought of you. I guess I should stop that. :)

http://www.nyaquarium.com/this-season-at-the-zoo/events-calendar/mermaids-of-the-deep.aspx

I decided to answer:

I'm going to be in Vermont that weekend. No mermaid parade for me, I guess! :( Didn't mean to make you feel bad. Don't know what else to say about all that, so I'll leave it at that. Hope you're having a good day.

h

And then I got what I think is a very strange response-- an email to which I gave no reply.

I've been to the Mermaid Parade once, but I was told the one I saw had less nudity than the previous year, so I was disappointed.

I don't begrudge you your cruelty. It helps balance out wicked things I've done in the past. Eventually, when I suffer enough, I'll reach some sort of peaceful equilibrium.

On that note, I'm working from home today because I have a doctor's appointment. I have these antibodies that often accompany auto-immune disease, so I have to monitor them closely. It's all part of the same plan.

Hope you're having a good day as well.

Anyway, this weekend a major event is taking place-- NDN and Tamika are tying the knot in Philadelphia! My parents are invited to the wedding, so they're picking me up tomorrow afternoon and driving there. I'm excited to wear my Nicole Miller gown. I'm even more excited to see them bring in this next phase of life. It's really kind of amazing. And I'm soooo grateful and relieved that NDN picked an awesome girl like Tamika.

So... that's it for now. I'm exhausted from re-hashing all of the garbage that went into this post.

Hope you are all well out there!

love,
h