Wednesday, December 31, 2008


I broke it off with him.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Town & Country

Just writing to check in and wish everyone happy holidays!

I am still pretty much immobilized, here at my parents house. The surgery last week went perfectly and I'm healing pretty quickly-- the drains were removed after four days and I'm able to get in and out of bed and shower by myself now. Even so, I feel like I'm in a fog and have been pretty depressed. It's only this morning that it started to lift enough for me to even feel like blogging...

As for the results? I am so swollen and bruised and stitched up that it's hard to tell where things are going to settle, but my stomach is, in fact, flat-- a fact that I can't quite seem to process. So... I will say no more about that.

My birthday weekend was a whirlwind. On Thursday-- the night before my birthday-- Narc took me out to the Russian Tea Room for dinner. It was fun to get dressed up. He asked where I wanted to go to eat, and I told him my only requirement was opulence and an old-fashioned decor. It was the perfect spot. We were there at midnight, as my new decade rolled in, and he gave me a really sweet gift-- a gorgeous quill-tipped limited edition Elvis collector's pen. It was really a cute and thoughtful gift. Better than that, though, he wrote me a card and that's all I've ever really wanted from him.

On Saturday I spent the entire day cleaning my house like a madwoman, trying to get ready for the party. Narc hung out for most of the afternoon, sometimes helping me. The party that night turned out to be a great party-- a million people were in and out and at some points, the apartment was so crowded it was difficult to move through. I bought a new outfit for the occasion and felt really awesome in it. But it was strange, too. Narc stayed for the party and invited his friends Scott and Mike. And my mom and BigSis were there and Cherubino and all of my AA friends. Narc and his friends left in the middle of the evening (to go get drunk, of course) and he and I got into a little fight about it.

At the end of the night (around 2:00 AM) the only people remaining were NDN, a random neighbor from our building I had never met, and my high school friend Farb (who I have only seen once since high school!) with her fiancee. Narc came back, wasted and he and I ended up having a fight and then make-up sex, but it soured the evening for me. Clearly, my attempts to pretend that we have anything resembling something sweet or "normal" will be forever thwarted.

He stayed over again that night, obviously, and stayed passed out for most of the next afternoon. I had to get up on four hours of sleep and head to a baptism in NJ. BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up. When I got back to the city at around 4:00 PM, Narc was still at my place and just waking up. We hung out and cleaned up a little and then he stayed all of Monday too, while I furiously packed for my two weeks on Long Island, and tried to finish cleaning up, making last minute arrangements to have my cat fed and Christmas tree watered in my absence.

Finally, at around 7:00, we went out for sushi before he put me into a cab. I was feeling so much anxiety. I didn't want to leave him. And I'm not sure if it's because I love him, or because I suspect he's going to go out and get drunk with his friends and meet and date some new girl while I'm gone.

We've only spoken twice since I've been away, but both times he has been very supportive and loving, especially given my depression. I miss him so much. I really do love him.

There's not much to write about concerning my stay here, since all I've really been able to do is lay in bed, listen to Palestrina and watch hour after hour of "Law & Order." Thank God for those marathons onTNT. BigSis has come over with Sesame a few times, but it's almost like torture because I can't lift her or hold her. On Friday, my aunt and uncle came with my cousins Jail and Jol and we all ate takeout Chinese and they gave me a belated birthday present. On Sunday, my parents helped me to venture out of the house and we went to see "Slumdog Millionaire."

After the snowstorm last week, the streets here have turned to sheets of ice. It's strange watching JBC and LilSis get up early to scrape off their cars. I'm so used to city living, where the streets are just cleared for you and the snow is never allowed to ice because it is trampled over so much that it turns to brown slush before day's end. Here, it is still sparkling white outside.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a headache and even writing just this much has exhausted me. I'm hoping to be able to come back to the city by Friday. It's so strange to be away from its rhythm. But I know I need to heal.

Trying to be patient.

lots of love,

Monday, December 8, 2008


I went with B to a "Lessons & Carols" service on Sunday afternoon for advent. Advent is for waiting. Waiting... for what? For everything. And "waiting" suddenly seems like a wholly appropriate holy idea. (Patiently.)

Anyway, I'm waiting, myself for a lot of things-- including my surgery next week! It's in less than a week. I'm nervous about it-- both about the pain, the anesthesia and about being removed from my life for at least two weeks. I don't like the idea of being away from AA and being away from Narc. I know it's terribly insecure, but I feel like something bad is going to happen if I go away. I am afraid of losing control.

Things have been beautiful between us lately, minus our fight last Thursday which neither addressed anything new, nor did it resolve anything old. On Friday night he came out to a party with me and met StarGazer and Drew for the first time. On Saturday night, I went to a Christmas party in Astoria and then came back to the East Village for Tamika's birthday party before meeting Narc and his friend Scott again at "Shades of Green" on 15th street. He and Scott wanted to stay out late, so I ended up heading home on my own that night at around 2:00 AM before I got sucked into Cheers for a quick hello to TT, ThursdayGirl, PumpedUp and BarMan. I haven't seen any of them in a while. PumpedUp said I looked "sexy" and ThursdayGirl was freaking out about my physical changes. It was fun to be out in a plunging neckline with my new breasts. Brick has dubbed them "Cecily and Liza." Don't ask me why...

Anyway, on Sunday I went to Long Island for a birthday brunch for my mom. She made omlettes and I was happy to get to play with Sesame. My grandpa was full of stories about WWII to mark the "day of infamy." LilSis and JBC drove me back into the city before I met B for the church service.

On Monday night, Narc and I went to hear a lecture on La Dolce Vita at the New York Film Academy. On our way there, I had us stop at the holiday shops in Union Square because I fell in love with an artisan's jewelry there and bought myself a necklace as a birthday present last week. I lost her card and wanted to go back.

"Maybe we can find a birthday present for you," Narc said.

When we found the stand, he picked out a ring, as if he wanted to buy it for me, but then became strangely passive when I said that I wanted it.

"If you're not sure, you can always come back for it," he said.

"No-- I think I'm sure."

He didn't make a move, so I did-- I ended up buying it for myself. Very strange. I wasn't about to ask him to take out his money and get me something, but at the same time, I thought that's what he had implied to begin with.

"If you want to gift it to me, you can..." I said as we were walking away.

"It wouldn't be a surprise then," he said. "I thought you wanted something sentimental."

"Sentimental doesn't have to mean a surprise. It could mean that we did it together."

I didn't want to push it though. I wasn't expecting anything from him to begin with, but it just all unfolded in such a strange way. I do love the ring, and since I bought it for myself, I've simply decided to enjoy it.

Anyway, I've been exhausted overall. I've been running around like a madwoman (as usual), not getting enought sleep. And I have to get everything done this week that I'd usually have another few weeks to take care of-- all of my Christmas shopping, writing final exams, planning my birthday party (and cleaning my house). Much, much, much to be done!

And there is a lot to reflect upon.

Yesterday I babysat for Sesame all afternoon. We fell asleep together-- me slumped back on the couch, and her- stretched out across my chest. Then, after AA, I met Narc and his friend Mike and some screenwriter friends of theirs out at Japas 38 for a night of karaoke. He told me to dress up, so I wore another plunging neckline. This is turning into fun. I had a good time, and I know that he was happy to have me there and even wanted to "show off" my singing, but at the same time, he kept taking smoking breaks with Mike and left me sitting there alone amongst a roomfull of strangers. At one point, I asked him to come sit next to me and he said "no," as Mike wanted to go out for another cigarette. It pissed me off, so I put on my coat and decided to leave. It was nearly 1:00 AM and I had to get up early this morning to teach. When he came back from his cigarette, he saw me with my coat on and looked confused.

"I'm taking off," I said, matter of factly.

"Oh, ok..."

He put his coat on too and we left together.

Things are sort of like that now. It's all for the better.

Later that night at his apartment, I ate half of my leftover cheese-steak sandwich while curled up in his pajama bottoms before going to bed.

I'm scared to leave for the surgery anyway. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I don't like not knowing. Maybe I'm just scared of being really slim. I don't know how to be that...

I want to learn how to make jewelry in the new year. The woman in Union Square has inspired me.

Ten years ago today was the night I was arrested-- two days before my 20th birthday. God, how I'm ready to be out of my 20's! I think that 30 is going to be the best decade yet.

Definitely worth the wait...


In finem Psalmus ipsi David

Expectans expectavi Dominum et intendit mihi

Et exaudivit preces meas et eduxit me de lacu miseriae et de luto fecis et statuit super petram pedes meos et direxit gressus meos

Et inmisit in os meum canticum novum carmen Deo nostro videbunt multi et timebunt et sperabunt in Domino

Beatus vir cuius est nomen Domini spes ipsius et non respexit in vanitates et insanias falsas

Multa fecisti tu Domine Deus meus mirabilia tua et cogitationibus tuis non est qui similis sit tibi adnuntiavi et locutus sum multiplicati sunt super numerum

Sacrificium et oblationem noluisti aures autem perfecisti mihi holocaustum et pro peccato non postulasti

Ut facerem voluntatem tuam Deus meus volui et legem tuam in medio cordis mei

Adnuntiavi iustitiam in ecclesia magna ecce labia mea non prohibebo Domine tu scisti

Iustitiam tuam non abscondi in corde meo veritatem tuam et salutare tuum dixi non abscondi misericordiam tuam et veritatem tuam a concilio multo

Tu autem Domine ne longe facias miserationes tuas a me misericordia tua et veritas tua semper susceperunt me

Quoniam circumdederunt me mala quorum non est numerus conprehenderunt me iniquitates meae et non potui ut viderem multiplicatae sunt super capillos capitis mei et cor meum dereliquit me

Conplaceat tibi Domine ut eruas me Domine ad adiuvandum me respice

Confundantur et revereantur simul qui quaerunt animam meam ut auferant eam convertantur retrorsum et revereantur qui volunt mihi mala

Ferant confestim confusionem suam qui dicunt mihi euge euge

Exultent et laetentur super te omnes quaerentes te et dicant semper magnificetur Dominus qui diligunt salutare tuum

Ego autem mendicus sum et pauper Dominus sollicitus est mei adiutor meus et protector meus tu es Deus meus ne tardaveris

Thursday, December 4, 2008


...I'm still in hard times.

Tonight is my annual La Boh
ème and sugar cookie night. I'm making pumpkin bread too. But N and I had a difficult talk this morning. I cried. In a weak attempt to compensate, I numbly I shopped for makeup and new bras and spent money I don't have. Now I'm feeling guilty. I skipped AA. I feel very tired and a little anesthetized. This thing with the two of us will never be right, when it has always been "wrong" at its core.

On the upside, NDN and Tamika are coming up here later to share my cookies and have a holiday pizza party. My tree is already up and splendid. Yesterday I danced around my apartment to cheesy Mariah Carey Christmas music. Oh-- and I bought an outfit to wear to my birthday party. It makes me feel sexy. That's kind of new. And it's kind of nice. (I don't even need to wear a bra under the lace top, since my new breasts stand at salute!)

Even so... (sigh).

heart-break is heartbreak.